another faceless existence

i had the zaniest dream.

i had a dream that i was watching a ramayana play. rama was this child that looked exactly like mogely. i don’t know if i got the spelling right, but mogely is the jungle book child. wierd. the mogely vandal with boobs on one of the econ desks really hunt me bad. there was also this hanuman, the monkey, and he has no nose. he got his nose cut off. wierd, he has the whole monkey costume and a bandage on his nose. and this mogely-rama was telling a story of his dream to the crowd with hanuman at the background. he said that his forefathers revealed to him the secret way and structure of organic compounds. his forefathers also revealed to him how to name the alkanes, aldehydes and the other compounds. his forefathers used the stars and made constellations to teach him how organic compounds work, and how he could use a good course on graph theory. then, bam! a computer appeared and mogely was programming in java. then i woke up. that was one good way to start a dull saturday.

what a fucking dream.

i am dreaming of winter
under the tropical heat.

i yearn more than hot,
or wet. i want something beyond.

i seek more than birth or death,
i search for the life in between.

i meditate on the seconds
that are squeezed in the middle

of start and end.

i dream of winter,
of falling ice, and eyes that fall.
of birds that freeze, and talking walls.

i dream of snow, i dream of chill,
i enjoy the melancholy and silent thrill,

of waiting.

waiting for the end, seeing another begin,
yet another disaster befalls,

unseen.

i just had my first homily!!! ok, semi-homily!!! hehe.. i really feel like a fully pledged priest.. in the making.. hehe.. wierd!

anyway, i am happy i had that done, rob said i sounded konyo, i think i sounded like that because i was really really nervous. talking in front of old serious people was not an easy task for me.. but i passed it, so now i call my self an SJJ!! society of jesus junior, hehe.. and you know, after my semi-mini-i-wish-it-was-a-homily, a woman came to me and wrapped her arm on my back. she told me she was a chemist too and works at the PIPAC (philippine institute of pure and applied chemistry) and that she was father schmitt’s student. she told me that if he were alive, he would have loved me, hehehe… feeling ko.. hehe.. anyway, what i said was really parallel to what the priest also said, so it was like destiny was really showing me a sign: jason.. you and the priest have parallel minds, maybe you are bound to be one to! then i went out of the chapel and walked the hallway of gonzaga, and a million cute girls just passed by me. shit, i thought. but heck, its not like i could have them, right? so what the fuck. i don’t know. but now, i know i’m happy.

ever felt you knew why there is rain?
or had the feeling that thunder just makes sense?
ever heard the music of tapping raindrops?
well i did, and it wasn’t fun.

it all started with drunken laughter;
as we began to drown time;
another committed murder.

you and i hand and hand,
as we sadistically enjoyed the pleasure
of time slipping by dear life,
inch by inch it screamed.

but we heard naught,
for we laughed harder.

we are time’s murderer,
yes i still have her stain in my hands,
do you still have yours?
well i hope it reminds me of you,
and the guilty pleasure we shared
together,
for we are time’s murderer.

yesterday i attented this yfc leadership thing, and of course, just like any yfc activity, there were a lot of worship songs. you know, the type of songs you raise your hands and close your eyes to. loud songs that are supposed to be cool and rockish, songs where we are supposed to feel the hype of god-touching-the-youth kind of way. so, there i was, in the middle of a god praising crowd. i was in the middle of people with there eyes closed and raised hands, people who really feel the presence of god; and with their whole hearts praise him. i was kind of lost in the crowd you know. not that i’m not used to that kind of stuff, its only that, i just didn’t feel it at that moment. yes, i could sing the lyrics of praise and thanks in my mouth, but, i just can’t feel the gratitude overflowing in me. not that im not thankful or anything, its just that i can’t feel it at that moment. i was just kind of lost. dry. fucked up.

so while feigning praising with closed eyes and raised hands, i quickly flashed a mental picture of every blessing i received in my life, thinking that by doing it, i would remember how grateful i should be, and eventually, i may feel true praise running in me. so boom, i quickly flashed in my head all the things god gave me, things that i damn well never deserved but god in all his kindness still presented me. so mental pictures came running into my head. happy pictures. pictures of blessings. then blam! your fucking mental picture popped in my head. at first, it was ok. i mean, yes. you are indeed a blessing in my life. you’re one of the things that keep me going, that keep me smile, but of course, something that i couldn’t have, but hey, your still a blessing. then i tried to think of other mental pictures. i tried to push your picture out of my head. but i can’t. you stayed there. i tried to think of other blessings, of other people who are in their own way blessings too, but they merely flash for a quarter of asecond then your picture comes clinging back. fuck, fuck, fuck.

i can’t understand. indeed you are blessing. yes, i thank god for you. but hey, don’t overrate your self too much.

i always prayed for heaven without really knowing what my prayer really meant. my silent wish was so vague, i really never knew what i really wanted. all i knew was, i am afraid of hell, and the only way is to enter heaven, or maybe live forever, which is kind of absurd.

another thing maybe, about this heaven obsession of mine is because my life is a load full of shit. of course, there are a lot of bright spots in it, but overshadowing all of it is the horror of my true sorrow, melancholy the world and I brought to myself. so maybe that is how this heaven obsession grew in me, so that i have something to hold on to. like this promise, that after all this shit, there is my true happiness, just waiting in the corner.

i even have this motto: life sucks. i beleive that the world is meant to beat up on me, that it is there to perpetually keep me down, testing the strength of my knees and the depth of my ego. anyway i thought, that is why heaven is made, so that after all of this shit, at the end, i could be happy. jesus had his fair share of shit, on the cross, and even on his whole life. so i’m no different. my sucky life is normal, it is how it is suppossed to be. my gloomy attitude towards the world? no, not bad. just realistic.

then this vacation, i have all this time to think.

so here i am. i, living a shitty life, accepting all the bollocks the world has to offer with open arms, because that is just the way it is. that i build my happiness on something i cannot perceive now, something far away from now, the unsure future. i have my happiness trapped in tommorrow, trapped in my own kind of promise, in my own heaven. was i being religious? was i being a good catholic by accepting the world’s bitches and laying all my hope of happiness in my own concept of heaven? a heaven which i could only reach when i die? i think not.

i think i have just been a coward. i was just not brave enough to stand up against the world, and command a halt on the overflowing shit. how can i be happy in the future if i cannot be happy now? how can i be sure that tomorrow, in heaven, i could be happy, if today, in my life now, i couldn’t even give an honest smile? the only thing i could work upon is my now, and if now i could not work upon my happiness, how could i expect to reap it in the future, or in my next life? then i came thinking, i was saved because of the ressurection, by jesus’ redeeming grace, that is why i get a shot at heaven. but fuck, jesus’ redeeming grace is not something i only get when my heart stops beating, its something overflowing in all places, something i just need to open my heart to. heaven is now. happiness can be acheived now. i should not rot myself, and justify it that i am being a martyr for heaven, that is totally foollish. then come to think of it, jesus was/is perpetually happy. because deep inside him, despite all the shit the world threw at his face, the fire of deep contentment and joy burns in him. contentment that comes from him knowing that he is doing the right thing, and joy because he is facing all the shit out of love, because he has a purpose, and not only accepting it because that is the way it is.

maybe that is my problem. the way i receive the shit of the world. so gloomy. so gothy some may say. so nihilistic in a wierd twisted christian way. then i thought that i really could not escape suffering, what ever i do. i may live like a saint yet still suffer, but it is my choice on what suffering i would pursue. it is my call on what burden to carry, the cross of christ, or the heavy boulders of a bollocks life. fuck, i don’t know. but hell, i just hope i make the right choice before its too late.

//galing ito sa blog ni gian dapul na sa tingin ko ninakaw niya sa isang taong nag ngangalang drew.
//read it, interesting, hmmm…

12.28.2007
An Open Letter To All Girls
[nakaw lang 'to kay Drew, pero super aliw siya. and very true. so, yeah, i suggest to all guys, repost, and to all girls, read. and reread. kung di ka tamaan ng malakas, tumawa ng malakas. :p]

Ever wonder, “what happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He’d tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn’t feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were f*cking treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were “just friends.” Besides, he totally wasn’t your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn’t know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren’t the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you’re single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, “What happened to all the nice guys?”

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive “just-a-” friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren’t really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you’re upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he’d have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an a$$hole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he’s probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I’m sorry that it took the complete absence of “nice guys” in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you’re looking for a nice guy, here’s what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what’s right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don’t really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you’ve f*cked yourself over. You’re getting older, after all. It’s time to excise the sh!t and deal with reality. You didn’t want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn’t f*cking want you, now.

Sincerely,

A Recovering Nice Guy

wanna know how to make “friends” and get a good deal at the same time?

i went to greenhills this afternoon to buy some clothes. i am not vain or a fashion dude or anything, i’m just damned bored at home. of course, it has been my habit to pass by the chapel. it is really cool you know, i’m surrounded by all these hooded muslims then in the heart of all the moro stuff is the chapel which has a very very cool ambiance. so i asked god if he could help me get a good deal, you know. that’s what’s special about greenhills, its all about getting good deals.’

so i went to this stall that sells shirts and shoes. they sell the shirt for 200 pesos each. its was pretty cheap, so i asked the lady how much does three shirts cost. she answered me in a duh? sort of way: ‘di 600 pesos. i smirked at her, nice try i thought. i told her that i could buy her shirt anywhere at a price of 550 pesos for three pieces. then she stalled for a while, damn, i’m a pro, i didn’t bite her bluff, i motioned away, then she immediatle said: okey, sige na nga kuya, 550 na. sige na, pumili ka na dyan. i smiled at her and then i started to choose the shirts. while i was scanning through the shirts and testing the sizes, an old fat american stopped by her stall. the american got one of the leather shoes and smiled at it. you could see in his eyes that really loved it. the lady seller, sensing the opportunity to take advantage immediately went near the old american and told him: sir, that’s only 3 thousand pesos, sir. the american smiled, wow!, he said. its too cheap, he added. the lady seller smiled the largest she could make with the ends of her mouth now touching her ears. the lady seller said: go sir, choose na sir, what color you want sir. of course, me, being the herald of justice for all stepped in the picture. i would not allow a lady seller to swindle the poor old guy. so i said: miss, five hundred nalang po, sige na. the lady frowned at me: sorry boy, 550 last price. then i smiled back at her and said: alam mo naman na kaya kong sabihin sakanya na linoloko mo siya sa presyo at yang 3 thousand mo mauuwi yan sa three hundred. her eyebrows met the middle of her forehead. she immediately answered in a half-whisper: loko-loko ka boy ha, sige, 500 nalang, umalis ka na.

then there i was, walking through the stalls of greenhills with a contented smile in my face.

now i think i got the answer to spiritual dryness: wait.

the apostles got their fare share of spiritual dryness too. on the ascension, when jesus “left” them and went to heaven, they felt as if they were abandoned. there was a vaccum in their hearts. they were really afraid. they were terrified to a point that they even hid themselves in a closed room. of course they should be afraid, they are persecuted, but the point is, the apostles had their share of fear, their own doubts and feelings of abandonment by god. they suffered spiritual dryness too, but what was god’s answer? just wait, because someone is coming that will fill that hole. the holy spirit. the secret weapon, the strength giver that shall replace every shed of fear with bravery, every drop of doubt with faith and every bit of anxiety with hope.

there is no special cure for spiritual dryness. i think it is merely an opportunity for us to dig deep beneath our faith and cling to its roots even though all the flowers already seem withered. we cannot by ourselves rise from the dryness, all that we could do is wait and hope. have faith that someday, the spirit will come to strengthen us.

this afternoon i spent time with jose, it was like 3 months since we talked. he is an 8 year old tutee in our little prep school. he finished early in his summer class and passed by my unit. he knocked and shouted: kuya jason, si jose ito. i was super engrossed in watching one tree hill, but i could never ever resist a child calling for me, so i opened the door. he quickly jumped all over the place, literally. i didn’t know how to make him stop, then i saw the watch. jose, tignan mo, anong oras na? it was six o’clock, and every six o’clock, i told him to pray the angelus. so yes, just as always, god was my escape goat, hehehe, joke. so there we were, praying the angelus. actually i’m pretty proud that he momorized the whole prayer already. so cut to the chase… why am i blogging about it??

because jose is one of the people who i really think, believed in me. he is one of those people who see special things inside of me. i know i don’t deserve it, and i know, his childishness clouds his perspective of me, but still, it feels good having someone really believing in me. there was this one time when he came running to me, i still clearly remember it. i was changing in my unit, just from school when he barged in and happily hugged me. he told me that he reached top 15. yah, you may think its not much of a feat, but for him, its really a big leap. of course i was happy for him, so i searched my bag for any left over treats like chocolates or stuff, and while i was searching he was doing what he does best, jumping all around. but while he was bouncing in my bed (which is now officially my cousin’s bed) he spoke words that shall always replay in my head forever: ang galing noh kuya? parehas na tayo, kahit loko-loko ako at magulo, matalino narin ako! parehas na tayo, hindi mabait pero magaling!!!

shit. it really bangs me hard everytime it replays in my head. the kid looks up to me, or so i feel. am i a good example? i don’t know, but hell, i love the kid, and i promise to be the best friend i could be to him.

so what did we talk about today while we were hanging? he was so happy! he told me that he did what i advised him once. there was this time when he came to me and told me that he was called to guidance office. he punched his classmate for teasing him to be gay. of course, because i was such a good older friend, i told him not to do it again, i told him that its really bad to hit people and just let the guy teasing him be. but he quickly knocked sense in me in his answer: eh kuya, kung hayaan ko lang sila, mas lalo nila akong aasarin. of course, shit heads are shit heads until you knock the shit out of them. so i told him: sa susunod kasi, kung mananapak ka, pag wala na yung titser, para hindi ka mahuli. he immediately answered that it was difficult because he was angry, but i told him to keep his cool because its the only way he could take revenge or stick out for himself. that was our last conversation, so this afternoon, he happily told me that he was able to that. he was able to keep his cool: alam mo kuya, hindi agad ako nagalit, ang galing ko noh? sinapak ko nung nasa service na kami. hehehe. hindi ko agad nasabi kasi hindi na kita nakikita. i was so proud of him. he is indeed a man.

we chatted more, about star craft, battle realms, not watching porn, listening to parents and normal stuff. well, i enjoyed this afternoon. i really enjoy chatting with children.

every morning, i ride a trike from our home to reach the main road, commonwealth road. the trikes has this system they follow: they line up and wait until they are full (which takes about 4 passengers), then they take off. so, this is how it goes, you ride the trike that is in front of the line, wait for it until it gets full, then boom. pretty simple eh? just like the normal pila, normal!? yuck. so one day i thought of something, what if i fuck up their system?? hehehe… normal is boring…

so one morning instead of riding the trike that is first line and wait there until it gets full, i walked a little farther and stopped at the end of the trike line. there i stood eyeing the tricycle drivers. at first no one bit my bait, all were waiting in line, waiting for their turn until blam, one trike drove in front of me. the driver told me to get in and we flew. the trike came from the middle, maybe he was just bored or simply impatient to wait for his turn so he just went out of the line and accomodated me. it worked both for us you see, for me, because i did not have to wait for the trike to get full before it could take off, which takes about 3-6 minutes; and it also worked for the driver because even though he was not able to fill his tricycle in line, he could still get passengers on the way. the only thing really disturbed by that act is the system the tricycle drivers try to implement. but aside from that, no harm done.

so i did that a couple more days. of course most of the drivers still hold firm in their line, but there are still some who bite my bait and accomodate me. so as days passed, more and more drivers accomodated me, in fact there came a time that they fought over who gets me, ignoring the line they set up. then as my act became often, other passengers imitated me. thinking what i was doing was better, at least for them, they wouldn’t have to wait. so that was it, the system the trike drivers tried to implement became shit. the passengers just passed through the line and waited for a trike to go directly to them and take off immediately. at first, i thought that was the end of their little boring system, so i didn’t find it interesting enough to blog, then one morning, something happened.

when i reached the trike station, they were still all in line. then when i reached my spot just after the trike line, the spot where i wait for a trike to get out of line and stop in front me, no tricycle came. instead, i heard jeers from some of the trike drivers: wala na yan, di na yan gagana; ginagawa mo itong taxi, trike ito; and a lot more. but because i have overflowing pride and ego, i stood my ground. i did not mind them. while some of the passengers humbly rode the trike in the front of the line, there i stood waiting, hoping a trike driver was brittle enough to be tempted by me.

i waited. waitied. but not long enough for me to give in, because boom, a trike went zooming in front of me. yes! i screamed inside, muntik na akong mapahiya, hehehe. so i rode the trike. when the people inside of the trike waiting in line saw my early departure, they too went out of the trike followed what i did. blam. system destroyed. its already been a week since that happened, and now, the trikes don’t wait in line, they just wait for a passenger then go. thanks to me, the passengers need not to wait.

well, indeed, a system could not work if there is even a single clink in the chain. well, sometimes systems are boring, and it takes some revolutionaries to fuck it up. hehehe.

after an exciting yesterday, i am now stuck in the abbyss of boredom.
i can’t study.
all can do is play and eat.

waaah!!!
i hope i won’t turn into an airheaded couch potato!!!

then i asked my friend, what should i do? he told me to get an inspiration. fuck, i smirked at him.
then i knew, he just broke up with her girl friend. then he told me that love sucks. love sucks. i nodded, even though he didin’t see me.
’cause you see, we were just chatting through the net.

he told me that i was right. he told me that he was fooled by love. he was in shitty shape.

then i answered him:
you were not fooled by love, you just mistook it for something it isn’t. the worst thing about relationships are not the break-ups or endings; but the regret and the what-ifs. when you entered it, you should be ready that in the future is shall end, everything does, it is only that sometimes foolishness kicks in and martyrdom (close eyed suffering) just tries to pull things together. but hell, there is no reason to be lonely. the purpose of a relationship, or so i think, is to make the most of the moments spent together. to gather happy memories to get you through life, and even through the nasty break-up. it is all about enjoying the moment, and the will for it to last should not be prioritized, yet, of course you need to be open to its possibility.

tang ina noh? he told me.
yup. tang ina talaga. i answered.

i had a hell of a day… a lot to blog about
—
I. Another near hold-up experience + a friend who lacks faith

i have treaded the streets of manila since time-y-memorial. i have walked with all the crooks, i actually live by some, i have seen their vile faces and how their dark blood trickle from their sin withered veins. so when i see one, i’m damn sure about it.
so this is what happened, me and my cousin rode a jeep from philcoa and met this friend on the ride. she was not actually my friend, she’s just like an acquantance. so we kind of chat about life and how it passes so quickly, blah blah… so skip that shit, we go straight to the story: our jeep stopped at tandang sora (remember the time i had an encounter with holdapers who i threw stones at?), and two men went inside. the skinny muscular type, you could guess that both of them were construction workers. there were no empty seats except for the two seats near the driver (not the front seats), so they sat there. i just got this gut feeling about this two men that i started to observe them. they went in together, they kind of have the same job, but they never talked to each other. they started to feign sleeping, covering their faces with their bags, but shit, they couldn’t trick me with that, i saw them making eye contact. fuck, i thought. i have my little cousin with me. shit, what should i do? but i still wasn’t sure and if they were really holdappers, going down suddenly would just entice them, so i waited. my cousin and my friend, and possibly the whole jeep did not notice me spying on the two guys, or even shared my suspicion. but to hell with them, i remember what i told my cousin: never fuck with a fucker, hehehe. anyway, there i was waiting for an opportunity to go down or the last hint i needed to confirm that the two are really holdappers, then one of the passengers near the exit of the jeep yelled: para! the jeep stopped and the said passenger went down. suddenly one of the suspicious guys stood up and changed seats, taking the seat near the exit. fuck i said. i’m sure he is a holdapper. why would he change seats if he were sleepy? he would be contented in his seat and drowse but no, he needed that seat because its the “hold-upping position”. one in the exit and one near the driver, one to control the driver, the other to control the exit. and they were really bad actors, if you were sleepy, you woudn’t stand up immediately without any sign of drowsy-red-eyes and shout at the driver to stop first while he changed seats. so that was it, i made my mind, as he was going to change seats, i grabbed my cousin and my friends arm: baba na tayo dito. my cousin was puzzled, but god knows why, she has this unwavering trust in me so she obediently followed but my friend was kind of dense in such a stubborn way so i just left her. we rode another jeep, hoping my friend was fine.

then we reached home. we were eating dinner when suddenly… KKRRRINGG!!! the fone rang. it was her. i really don’t know if she was sobbing or anything: nakuha nila cellphone ko. that is what she told me. damn, thank god, i really couldn’t imagine my cousin in that situation. shit! i wouldn’t endanger my cousin for the world. shit. thank god. thank god.

—

II. I thought my mom left me

my mom works abroad, so that leaves me technically an orphan, but i’m not sad or anything, i kind of enjoy the freedom, without anyone telling me what to do. but i was wrong. while me and my cousin were in the jeep she suddenly told me: 9!!! i gave her a quizzical look. you have nine pimples!!!, she told me. so?, i answered. ibig sabihin, matulog ka na on time! wag ka na magpuyat sa computer. take care of yourself. she told me that. damn. i thought my mom left me. but unlike my mom, her bickering made me smile and kiss her.

—

III. Tolerance

the is the gospel today is about tolerance. i won’t write a summary of it or my reflection, i’m sure you could make your own (mark 9:38-40), what i’m going to share is something the priest shared in his homily from Pagsi (i was lucky enought to attend one of pagsi’s talks!!!). he (the priest) and pagsi were watching a movie about a family with un-catholic values like gay and lesbian relationships and a lot of sexual deviations, then after the movie, pagsi asked him: what do you think about the movie? then he answered: i’m sure the church wouldn’t love this. then pagsi, in all his wisdom answered: i’m sure god has a bigger heart than the church. WHAPAK!

—

i finished my ECE project today!!!