another faceless existence

they say if you stare long enough at the evening sky, it stares back at you. then in its stare you could see through its eyes. you would see its soul, the spirit of the universe, then you would suddenly understand. that is what they say. you would fully understand the things that bug your heart, that question your being.

recently that is what i have been doing. staring at the evening sky through my screen covered window. i have watched how the sun descended ready to scorch the land beneath. i saw how the moon terrified the ebony of doubt. i was a witness on how the stars dance in unison with the evening breeze. yes, i have seen it all, experienced it all, but in all those picturesque moments, never did the sky stare back at me. never was i able to see through the eyes of the sky, never did i see the soul of the universe. i was never given the chance to understand.

you see, all i want was an answer. an answer i thought i could get if i was patient enough. patient enough to balnkly stare at the night sky, waiting for it to stare back, or maybe a glance would do. but i failed. it kept sending unwarranted signals: shooting stars, midnight howls, cold prickling breezes, all which are good and appreciated, but not needed. not asked for. i don’t need any spectacle, or any artistic pallete, i just want to understand. not as if i was asking something difficult. i never asked if god exist, or why i am alive. my questions are simple.

i want to know why the sea inside me is in continous turbulence. i want to understand why my chest is always heavy and the lump in my throught never passes through. i want to know why my shoulders are always heavy. i want to know why my forehead is always converging in the middle. i want to know why i always think of something i could not get. maybe that is my nature, maybe its everyone’s nature, to yearn the impossible. that is why i patiently stare at the evening sky, i want to understand that nature of mine. why would i want the impossible? why would i want angels if i could settle with mascots, or lifeless figurines? why would i choose heart felt laughter when i could freely buy cheap smiles? why would i like.. never mind, the list of questions never end. yet all i want is an answer. an answer that could be a yes or a no. but being human as i am, i do not prefer a yes or a no, i rather go for the middle, the conditional, the negotiable path. straight absolute truth is terrifying most of the times.

again, i stare at the midnight sky, yet it never stared back. how long would i wait. how long should i hope for a single glance?