Archive for June, 2008

i gave my first semi-mini-i-hope-it-was-a-homily!

June 25, 2008 · Filed under Uncategorized

i just had my first homily!!! ok, semi-homily!!! hehe.. i really feel like a fully pledged priest.. in the making.. hehe.. wierd!

anyway, i am happy i had that done, rob said i sounded konyo, i think i sounded like that because i was really really nervous. talking in front of old serious people was not an easy task for me.. but i passed it, so now i call my self an SJJ!! society of jesus junior, hehe.. and you know, after my semi-mini-i-wish-it-was-a-homily, a woman came to me and wrapped her arm on my back. she told me she was a chemist too and works at the PIPAC (philippine institute of pure and applied chemistry) and that she was father schmitt’s student. she told me that if he were alive, he would have loved me, hehehe… feeling ko.. hehe.. anyway, what i said was really parallel to what the priest also said, so it was like destiny was really showing me a sign: jason.. you and the priest have parallel minds, maybe you are bound to be one to! then i went out of the chapel and walked the hallway of gonzaga, and a million cute girls just passed by me. shit, i thought. but heck, its not like i could have them, right? so what the fuck. i don’t know. but now, i know i’m happy.

ever felt you knew why there is rain?
or had the feeling that thunder just makes sense?
ever heard the music of tapping raindrops?
well i did, and it wasn’t fun.

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Protected: homily (updated)

June 22, 2008 · Filed under jesuit, pumiglas · Tagged

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remember the time i sent you the friendster message? well, i do, vividly. i clearly remember the time you tore me apart by turning me down, but what could i do? nothing else but bask in my own melancholy, left with words that only made sense to me, and i hope, to you too. how dare you smile at me? why do you insist in piercing my soul more? why do you smile at me? do you intend to taunt me and show me the heaven i couldn’t acheive? are you my punishment? why so grave. are you my fleeting promise of afterlife? i think not, for you took my life and brought my death a long time ago. what could i do? nothing, but accept the sad truth that i would never, ever have that smile totally to myself. i am left only as an expectator. a child at the window of a store. waiting, wanting, but never gets what he want. fuck, you make me sound so gay.

June 21, 2008 · Filed under love, pumiglas

it all started with drunken laughter;
as we began to drown time;
another committed murder.

you and i hand and hand,
as we sadistically enjoyed the pleasure
of time slipping by dear life,
inch by inch it screamed.

but we heard naught,
for we laughed harder.

we are time’s murderer,
yes i still have her stain in my hands,
do you still have yours?
well i hope it reminds you of me,
and the guilty pleasure we shared
together,
for we are time’s murderer.

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a blessing that i just want to forget

June 15, 2008 · Filed under Uncategorized

yesterday i attented this yfc leadership thing, and of course, just like any yfc activity, there were a lot of worship songs. you know, the type of songs you raise your hands and close your eyes to. loud songs that are supposed to be cool and rockish, songs where we are supposed to feel the hype of god-touching-the-youth kind of way. so, there i was, in the middle of a god praising crowd. i was in the middle of people with there eyes closed and raised hands, people who really feel the presence of god; and with their whole hearts praise him. i was kind of lost in the crowd you know. not that i’m not used to that kind of stuff, its only that, i just didn’t feel it at that moment. yes, i could sing the lyrics of praise and thanks in my mouth, but, i just can’t feel the gratitude overflowing in me. not that im not thankful or anything, its just that i can’t feel it at that moment. i was just kind of lost. dry. fucked up.

so while feigning praising with closed eyes and raised hands, i quickly flashed a mental picture of every blessing i received in my life, thinking that by doing it, i would remember how grateful i should be, and eventually, i may feel true praise running in me. so boom, i quickly flashed in my head all the things god gave me, things that i damn well never deserved but god in all his kindness still presented me. so mental pictures came running into my head. happy pictures. pictures of blessings. then blam! your fucking mental picture popped in my head. at first, it was ok. i mean, yes. you are indeed a blessing in my life. you’re one of the things that keep me going, that keep me smile, but of course, something that i couldn’t have, but hey, your still a blessing. then i tried to think of other mental pictures. i tried to push your picture out of my head. but i can’t. you stayed there. i tried to think of other blessings, of other people who are in their own way blessings too, but they merely flash for a quarter of asecond then your picture comes clinging back. fuck, fuck, fuck.

i can’t understand. indeed you are blessing. yes, i thank god for you. but hey, don’t overrate your self too much.

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Protected: me giving advice to my mom and aunt (password:palindrome)

June 9, 2008 · Filed under buhay, kasiyahan, love, pumiglas · Tagged

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happiness and suffering and a lot more loads of shit

June 8, 2008 · Filed under buhay, everyday, kasiyahan, love, pumiglas · Tagged

i always prayed for heaven without really knowing what my prayer really meant. my silent wish was so vague, i really never knew what i really wanted. all i knew was, i am afraid of hell, and the only way is to enter heaven, or maybe live forever, which is kind of absurd.

another thing maybe, about this heaven obsession of mine is because my life is a load full of shit. of course, there are a lot of bright spots in it, but overshadowing all of it is the horror of my true sorrow, melancholy the world and I brought to myself. so maybe that is how this heaven obsession grew in me, so that i have something to hold on to. like this promise, that after all this shit, there is my true happiness, just waiting in the corner.

i even have this motto: life sucks. i beleive that the world is meant to beat up on me, that it is there to perpetually keep me down, testing the strength of my knees and the depth of my ego. anyway i thought, that is why heaven is made, so that after all of this shit, at the end, i could be happy. jesus had his fair share of shit, on the cross, and even on his whole life. so i’m no different. my sucky life is normal, it is how it is suppossed to be. my gloomy attitude towards the world? no, not bad. just realistic.

then this vacation, i have all this time to think.

so here i am. i, living a shitty life, accepting all the bollocks the world has to offer with open arms, because that is just the way it is. that i build my happiness on something i cannot perceive now, something far away from now, the unsure future. i have my happiness trapped in tommorrow, trapped in my own kind of promise, in my own heaven. was i being religious? was i being a good catholic by accepting the world’s bitches and laying all my hope of happiness in my own concept of heaven? a heaven which i could only reach when i die? i think not.

i think i have just been a coward. i was just not brave enough to stand up against the world, and command a halt on the overflowing shit. how can i be happy in the future if i cannot be happy now? how can i be sure that tomorrow, in heaven, i could be happy, if today, in my life now, i couldn’t even give an honest smile? the only thing i could work upon is my now, and if now i could not work upon my happiness, how could i expect to reap it in the future, or in my next life? then i came thinking, i was saved because of the ressurection, by jesus’ redeeming grace, that is why i get a shot at heaven. but fuck, jesus’ redeeming grace is not something i only get when my heart stops beating, its something overflowing in all places, something i just need to open my heart to. heaven is now. happiness can be acheived now. i should not rot myself, and justify it that i am being a martyr for heaven, that is totally foollish. then come to think of it, jesus was/is perpetually happy. because deep inside him, despite all the shit the world threw at his face, the fire of deep contentment and joy burns in him. contentment that comes from him knowing that he is doing the right thing, and joy because he is facing all the shit out of love, because he has a purpose, and not only accepting it because that is the way it is.

maybe that is my problem. the way i receive the shit of the world. so gloomy. so gothy some may say. so nihilistic in a wierd twisted christian way. then i thought that i really could not escape suffering, what ever i do. i may live like a saint yet still suffer, but it is my choice on what suffering i would pursue. it is my call on what burden to carry, the cross of christ, or the heavy boulders of a bollocks life. fuck, i don’t know. but hell, i just hope i make the right choice before its too late.

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