Yesterday I heard the wind. It is not the normal swoosh, it was something different, it was more like the wind had a soul. I really can’t mouth what I heard, or mimic the sound, it was different, really. It was like from someone, something, who once had feelings, so full of emotions, my mouth could not muster repeating. More than the sound, was the feeling I got after listening to the wind. I can’t understand, a ghost maybe? But it can’t be, It felt so warm. No chill or goosebumps, something I could have felt if it were a ghost that I heard. I am 100% certain, yes, it was the wind.
I could not repeat what the wind exactly told me, but I still remember the jist: The wind told me how fucked up my life is; the wind whispered how I brought up so much loneliness to myself that I project it to the whole world cosmos. I bring melancholy to the world, I was, no, still am, an agent of evil. The wind told me all those in the most warm, soothing way, as it pressed to my chest and slapped my face gently.
What did I do wrong? I asked back. I got no answer. I reapeted my question, what the fuck did I do wrong? Still, I got silence back. I repeated and repeated my question, waiting for an answer. I was intent for an answer. The wind opened up the topic, I thought, he should be polite enough to close it. But I thought wrong. The wind was indeed a bastard. The wind was silent, never answered me back. The wind did not leave, the wind was there, present. Unseen, yet I my skin could feel. You could never escape me, I threatened, yet still no answer. I punched and kicked, yet he was mum, not for anything did the wind speak again, nothing, even groans of pain from my beating did no good to squeal out something. Nada.
So I thought hard. I thought deep. I fell silent. How exactly did I fuck the my life? How indeed did I befall loneliness to myself, and in the process to the whole world? That is why for more than 24 hours now I am sitting in this blue over pass. High above the moving cars, high above the people, yet on the same spot I heard the wind. I did not eat for one day, I never felt the urge to shit. I pissed on my pants. I breathed hard the polluted air. But I did not care. I need an answer.
Then as I glanced down from my place, to alley opposite my school, to the alley divided by a bustling road, connected by the overpass were I am currently sitting, I saw her. The 100% perfect girl for me, walking fast, as if someone is running after her, or maybe she is running after someone? Or just maybe she loves to run? I don’t know, all I know was she was 100% perfect for me. But unlike Murakami, I know this girl. I know her name, I know her age, I know her number, I know her. She isn’t a faceless angel, she is the angel. Unlike Murakami, I know for sure that never will I be the 100% perfect boy for her. Never.
So there she was, the 100% perfect girl for me, running up the blue overpass. Running fast. Her speed reduced her to a blur to my now slowing eyesight. Maybe because of hunger, or maybe because of tiredness, or maybe I am just entranced by her? I do not know. But despite the blur of her figure, of her face, I visualize exactly every crevice of that blur. Despite the speed, everything about her slows down as my heart keeps pace to her unknown rush. She is 100% perfect, I thought. Yes she is. I remembered a friend telling me that she is out of my league, I don’t care. Maybe perfect is really out of my league?
Her blur grew bigger and bigger. She was coming nearer and nearer, but not towards me I thought. Yes, not towards me. She would barely notice me, now that I am full of piss, sweat and grime. No, she wouldn’t.
Second after second, the proximity grew less and less. I could smell her now. I didn’t understand, but I couldn’t look at her anymore. I had to put my head down. I can’t look at her now she is that near.
See, you are fucking up your life. I heard the wind again. I felt its sudden warmth all over me. I raised my head, trying to look for the wind, for the voice, but I saw no wind. What I saw was so shocking you would not believe me if I told you, but I am still telling you so that you may wonder. I saw time stop. The cars froze. The people walking on the streets under me where at a pause. Even she, the 100% perfect girl for me was stiff hard on her running position. Very close to me, maybe we would even rub each other if time hadn’t stopped. All was at a still except for the wind. It kept blowing and blowing. It did not talk, but it blew my hair, pat my back and spanked my ass, gently.
What the fuck?
That was all I could come up with to say. What the fuck? I was such a loser. She was in front me, frozen, paused, yet I still could not look her straight in the eye. I tried to touch her hand, it was tedious, hard for me even the world was still and no eye was on me, it was still difficult. I shook hard as I tried to stand up and level with her. I touch her left hand. I put my left hand around her waist. What was I thinking? We were like in a dancing position. We were so close to each other I could feel her chest now. Supple, just I expected. Warm, despite her being frozen in time. I held my ear to her heart, no beating. Only the swoosh of the wind banging us, trying to pass between us, but I didn’t let it. I held her tight. Yet despite the closeness, I couldn’t look at her eyes. I can’t. No, I should. Praying for strength and all the will of the world, I raised my eyes and locked it with hers. It was the first time I saw those eyes. Her eyes were very tired. Very tired. A second passed, then another, then the third. I was getting the hand of it when on the 7th second, I heard the banging of the wind no more. The swooshes were replaced by honks and engine. I shuddered. The tired eyes I gazed upon moved. The waist I wrapped around expanded. The hand I clutched moved. I was afraid she would scream, but she did not. She just looked back at my eyes blankly. Nothing. She let go of my hand and wriggled her waist to loosen my arm wrapped on it. Then she continued her rush. After 8 steps she looked back. I didn’t know what to say. We stared for a while to each other. I lost, I can’t hold my gaze. What the fuck, I whisperd. She heard it, I think, because she swung her head, puzzled. But did not say a word. She continued to walk away. Now going down the blue over pass to my school, to her school too.
Should I have talked to her? What could have I said? That she was the 100% perfect girl for me? That I don’t care if she was out my league because perfect was really not within my reach? Fuck. What the fuck.
