another faceless existence

**|| one very very dark night, john saw a man under the light of a lamp post busily looking for something. because john was a vey very good heart, he went near the man and offered to help him. “what did you drop mister?”, john asked. “well, i dropped my wallet..”, the man answered. “where exactly did you drop it?”, john asked again. “well, there, under the tree..”, the man answered. john was surprised because the tree was 2 blocks away from the lamp post. “but sir, if you dropped it there on the tree, why are you looking for it here under the lamp post?” the man looked at john, puzzled, “of course young man, its dark under that tree, how am i supposed to find it there?” ||**
(hehehe)

wierd. absurd. bullshit. right.
these past fucked-up days of my sem-break, i was just like that man who was looking for his wallet under the light of the lamp post. why? because these sem-break, i got the chance to think. stuck at home, with nothing to do, i had no other choice of passing time well but to think. think of my past semester. what just happened. was it cool? was it fulfilling? then i came to one conclusion: no chance at hell it was any where near perfect. i had a sucked up semester.

just like the man, i knew i had a problem. just like him, who knew he lost his wallet, i also know that i had a fucked up past semester. what i did about it? yup, you got it right, i searched under the light of the lamp post, at least at first. instead of going to the source of my problem, which is my self, i just blamed everyone else. I blamed my friends, my mom, mishappenings, shits, misfortunes etc. i balmed them all for my fucked up past sem. i was like the man, finding the easy way (but dumb) out. but after all the blaming, i still did not feel any better, in fact just worse. i felt worse because i just saw how coward i am. how pathetic. so with all the courage i could muster, i dove into the dark area under the tree. i went straight to the cause. the cause of my problems, the cause i knew for a long time, but was just to afraid too face it. too afraid to see what has become of me. but what the fuck?

i dove into myself in thought. guess what i saw? i did not know. that was what i found out, i did not know who i was. all i saw was a hazy self. a scary hazy image. shit. what really happened to me? did i really forget myself? did i neglect myself this past sem? have i forgetten to take care of my self? of my grades? of my whole being? did i lose myself in the chaos of this world? i don’t know. i am not sure, but those are my best guesses.

who am i? what is my problem? bugging questions eh? it even ended up to, who is my god? where is he? dryness just came, not only in terms of god, but also in terms of identity. who am i? because if the real problem is me, how could i solve it if all i have of myself is a hazy scary image. who is my god? if i was made in god’s image, then maybe i could see myself in god, or the other way around, but it seems that even my ability to understand the abstract is failing me. self searching? i dunno.

yesterday me and my younger cousin justine watched high school musical 3. a very very crappy movie, but it was my promise to her, so what the hell. it has been a long time since we last hang out. the movie sucked, but the company was fine. we talked. threw food at the cinema to sleeping parents. we run around the mall like crazy scaring people. we had fun, after a very very long time. on our way home, she looked at me, without saying anything she kissed me on the cheek. then we continued to walk. i ate my doughnut while she sipped her vanilla. life as usual, but that kiss meant a lot to me. the best thank you ever. then i understood. yes, the problem is indeed me. and not because i have forgotten my self, just like what i have first guessed, but because i have centered my past sem to me. i made my self the center of my life. everything i did last sem, i thought of how it could benefit me. ME. i was so engrossed being the center of all, looking all around me, that i did not notice that i was crumbling inside.

i could not find myself. i could not find god. but when i tried to look at a friend, i saw not only her soul, but mine as well, and god staring back.

“No one who sets a hand in the plow and looks to what was left behind is fit for kingdom of God.”
Tindi noh? Yun yung gospel ngayon araw eh. Kwento nung mga taong gustong sumunod kay Jesus, pero nagpapahintay kasi may tatapusin daw muna sila, ililibing ang tatay, magpapa-alam sa pamilya. Alam mo ginawa ni Jesus sa dalawang taong ito? Kinutya niya. Sulit noh? Ano bang masama sa pag libing ng tatay? Sa pag pa-alam sa pamilya?

Ang gusto ba ni Jesus, kung susunod tayo sakanya, kalimutan na natin yung mga responsibilidad natin? Ang gusto ba niya, kalimutan natin ang ating buong pagkatao talaga, pati ang mga mahal natin sa buhay, pati ang mga responsibilidad na dapat gampanan? Yun ba ang gusto ni Jesus? Napaka ego-centric naman…

Sa tingin ko, mali lang kasi yung perspective ko. Sa tingin ko, hindi naman talaga gusto ni Jesus na wag nang ilibing yung tatay, o wag na magpa-alam; ang kinainisan niya lang, yung atras abanteng pag dedesisyon. Aminin natin,isa si Jesus sa pinaka exciting na tao. {Para nga siyang punk diba? Anarchist (to a point)? Minimalist? Walang paki sa sinasabi ng iba?} Talagang risk taker to a point na kung titignan mo, bara-bara talaga. Tira kung tira. Bara-bara para siguro sa atin, pero sa tingin ko sa pananawa ni Jesus, hindi yun risks na tine-take niya. Sobra kasi yung faith niya, sinisimulan palang niya yung isang bagay, kine-claim na niya yung victory. Hindi siya takot sa consequences, kasi alam niya, basta sinusunod niya si God, things will work out fine. Kahit hindi na niya mismo pinagisipan ng matagal. Lupet noh? Anong koneksyon?

Ang ibig kong sabihin, yun ang kinainisan ni Jesus dun sa dalawang tao. Hindi sila spontaneous. Hindi sila bara-bara. Hindi nila agad kine-claim ang victory, kasi atras abante pa sila sa desisyon nila. Gets? Parang, “sige gagawin ko toh, pero aano muna ako, kung sakali..” Diba?

Yung isang point, dapat ba talaga kalimutan natin yung mga responsibilidad natin? Sa tingin ko hindi. Sa tingin ko, mahal tayo ni Jesus bilang tayo, ant kasama sa ating pagkatao yung mga responsibilidad natin at mga kanya-kanyang minamahal natin. Eh kung ganun yung kaso, bakit siya nagalit? Kasi, kung papansinin mo yung sinabi nung dalawang potential disciples: “let me go first..”, “but first”.. Gets mo? Parang sige, susunod ako, pero bago ako sumunod, gagawin ko muna ito. Hiniwalay nung dalawang tao na yun yung personal nilang buhay sa pagsisilbi nila kay Jesus. Sa tingin ko, hindi gusto ni Jesus na iwanan mo yung patay, o yung pamilya mo, ang gusto niya, yung parteng pagkatao na yun, isama mo sa misyon mo. Malabo na noh?

Sa tingin ko, ang gusto kasi ni Jesus ipagsama ang personal na buhay at ang pagsunod sakanya. Sa tingin ko, papayag naman si Jesus sa pakiusap nung dalawang ilibing yung tatay at magpaalam sa pamilya kung ganito ang pagkasabi nila: “Jesus, tara, samahan mo naman ako, ililibing ko lang yung tatay ko.” o “Jesus, come one, let’s make paalam muna to my mama and papa. They might get alala, i’ll make pakilala narin ikaw.” Sa tingin ko, kung ganun, papayag si Jesus. Okey lang, kahit saan, basta isama mo siya. Walang atrasan. Pag sinama mo na si Jesus, hindi mo na dapat siya iwanan, kahit kelan.