another faceless existence

**|| one very very dark night, john saw a man under the light of a lamp post busily looking for something. because john was a vey very good heart, he went near the man and offered to help him. “what did you drop mister?”, john asked. “well, i dropped my wallet..”, the man answered. “where exactly did you drop it?”, john asked again. “well, there, under the tree..”, the man answered. john was surprised because the tree was 2 blocks away from the lamp post. “but sir, if you dropped it there on the tree, why are you looking for it here under the lamp post?” the man looked at john, puzzled, “of course young man, its dark under that tree, how am i supposed to find it there?” ||**
(hehehe)

wierd. absurd. bullshit. right.
these past fucked-up days of my sem-break, i was just like that man who was looking for his wallet under the light of the lamp post. why? because these sem-break, i got the chance to think. stuck at home, with nothing to do, i had no other choice of passing time well but to think. think of my past semester. what just happened. was it cool? was it fulfilling? then i came to one conclusion: no chance at hell it was any where near perfect. i had a sucked up semester.

just like the man, i knew i had a problem. just like him, who knew he lost his wallet, i also know that i had a fucked up past semester. what i did about it? yup, you got it right, i searched under the light of the lamp post, at least at first. instead of going to the source of my problem, which is my self, i just blamed everyone else. I blamed my friends, my mom, mishappenings, shits, misfortunes etc. i balmed them all for my fucked up past sem. i was like the man, finding the easy way (but dumb) out. but after all the blaming, i still did not feel any better, in fact just worse. i felt worse because i just saw how coward i am. how pathetic. so with all the courage i could muster, i dove into the dark area under the tree. i went straight to the cause. the cause of my problems, the cause i knew for a long time, but was just to afraid too face it. too afraid to see what has become of me. but what the fuck?

i dove into myself in thought. guess what i saw? i did not know. that was what i found out, i did not know who i was. all i saw was a hazy self. a scary hazy image. shit. what really happened to me? did i really forget myself? did i neglect myself this past sem? have i forgetten to take care of my self? of my grades? of my whole being? did i lose myself in the chaos of this world? i don’t know. i am not sure, but those are my best guesses.

who am i? what is my problem? bugging questions eh? it even ended up to, who is my god? where is he? dryness just came, not only in terms of god, but also in terms of identity. who am i? because if the real problem is me, how could i solve it if all i have of myself is a hazy scary image. who is my god? if i was made in god’s image, then maybe i could see myself in god, or the other way around, but it seems that even my ability to understand the abstract is failing me. self searching? i dunno.

yesterday me and my younger cousin justine watched high school musical 3. a very very crappy movie, but it was my promise to her, so what the hell. it has been a long time since we last hang out. the movie sucked, but the company was fine. we talked. threw food at the cinema to sleeping parents. we run around the mall like crazy scaring people. we had fun, after a very very long time. on our way home, she looked at me, without saying anything she kissed me on the cheek. then we continued to walk. i ate my doughnut while she sipped her vanilla. life as usual, but that kiss meant a lot to me. the best thank you ever. then i understood. yes, the problem is indeed me. and not because i have forgotten my self, just like what i have first guessed, but because i have centered my past sem to me. i made my self the center of my life. everything i did last sem, i thought of how it could benefit me. ME. i was so engrossed being the center of all, looking all around me, that i did not notice that i was crumbling inside.

i could not find myself. i could not find god. but when i tried to look at a friend, i saw not only her soul, but mine as well, and god staring back.