another faceless existence

now i understand what it is to be a racist. now i feel what they feel. i am an obnoxious mix of anger and prejudice. i am a monster. i thought i could never be like them, those who judge, those who can’t see beyond, well, it kind of hit me in the face really hard. i am already one of them.

this morning, my ninang, a nun told me that a missionary was going to stay in my place. yes in my place. and guess what, not an ordinary missionary, a CICM missionary. the breed of my foe. the breed of the monster who ticked the devil in me. i could not say no. how could i? but deep within me is a storm. a very, very strong storm. a CICM missionary! damn, his ugly black face just pops in my head every time. damn. i am filled with anger. hatred. for fucks sake, he was the monster who killed and destroyed me. and he was a CICM.

then a knock. i opened. he faced me. a boy. yes, a boy maybe a year or two older than me. very innocent face, even bordering in ignorance. if it was a year or two ago, i would have welcomed him in with utmost warmth, but not now. not now. i am filled with hate, anger to his kind. i know, it may be somewhat over acting, that was what i thought about those white purist, but fuck. when hate hits you bad, you get blinded. you get blinded that you never see the real person anymore, but only his kind, his kind that once fucked you up bad. now all you have is hate. yes, hate.

up to know, he is watching in my fucking tv, sitting in my fucking bed, and i have not exchange words with him yet. i can’t. i am weak. i can’t go beyond. fuck. shit.

have you ever felt the world tell you something? the feeling you get when the whole world conspires just to deliver you a single message? well, that happened to me yesterday. christmas eve. the first herald? doraemon. i was inside the jeepney, alone, for my last minute christmas errands when doraemon was playing inside the jeepney’s mini tv. of course i watched. i love doraemon. i love the 22nd century robotic cat who has the deepest pocket ever. so what was the show about? the magic gloves. when you use it, you can’t lose a fight. so of course novita used the gloves in order to beat the hell out of his foe, damulag. but he did not succeed. he never found damulag. instead he ended up fighting doraemon. the next herald? starwars. i had my second starwars marathon in my life time, and guess what, up to now, i still have the hots for princess leia. hehehe. anyway, what spoke to me most was the battle between the emperor, luke and darth vader. there were two strong siths, how did luke win? he did not succumb to the dark side. he did not let anger, agression and fear get the best of him. he did not kill his father, darth vader. instead, he just tried to sway him back to the good side of the force. and guess what, he won. i know, its pretty boring, but hey, that was george lucas’ idea. anyway, that was the second voice shouting. this christmas, me and my cousin got addicted to hannah montana. yes, i admit, so gay. but it is really really funny, and lilly is cute. hehehe. so as you guest it, hannah montana was the next herald. her words where: never fight fire with fire, because you would only make it bigger and get burnt. again, gay. but i just have the feeling of it shouting to me.

three messages in one day. fighting is useless. don’t succumb to anger, agression and fear. don’t fight fire with fire. so hey, okey dude up there, i think i get your point. its christmas, a time to forgive. sucky forgiveness, but its already doraemon talking to me?! how can i say no? so what the hell. right then, i rushed to st. peter’s parish to get a decent christmas confession.

what i learned?

i should love my mom not because she is perfect, but because she is my mom. i should love not out of her deserving it, but just for the sake of love. for the sake of god’s forgiveness. fuck. fuck. fuck. how can i do that when she fucked me up so bad? but what the hell? i should not succumb to the dark side. i should not be seduced by anger, agression and fear because it eats me, whole until i am but a zombie ruled by those three negativities. but, still, its difficult. but hey, its christmas. damn. i don’t know. wtf? hmm.. but its doraemon, luke and hannah, could i still say no?? could i? ok, i’ll give it a try at least. at least this christmas season.