i always prayed for heaven without really knowing what my prayer really meant. my silent wish was so vague, i really never knew what i really wanted. all i knew was, i am afraid of hell, and the only way is to enter heaven, or maybe live forever, which is kind of absurd.
another thing maybe, about this heaven obsession of mine is because my life is a load full of shit. of course, there are a lot of bright spots in it, but overshadowing all of it is the horror of my true sorrow, melancholy the world and I brought to myself. so maybe that is how this heaven obsession grew in me, so that i have something to hold on to. like this promise, that after all this shit, there is my true happiness, just waiting in the corner.
i even have this motto: life sucks. i beleive that the world is meant to beat up on me, that it is there to perpetually keep me down, testing the strength of my knees and the depth of my ego. anyway i thought, that is why heaven is made, so that after all of this shit, at the end, i could be happy. jesus had his fair share of shit, on the cross, and even on his whole life. so i’m no different. my sucky life is normal, it is how it is suppossed to be. my gloomy attitude towards the world? no, not bad. just realistic.
then this vacation, i have all this time to think.
so here i am. i, living a shitty life, accepting all the bollocks the world has to offer with open arms, because that is just the way it is. that i build my happiness on something i cannot perceive now, something far away from now, the unsure future. i have my happiness trapped in tommorrow, trapped in my own kind of promise, in my own heaven. was i being religious? was i being a good catholic by accepting the world’s bitches and laying all my hope of happiness in my own concept of heaven? a heaven which i could only reach when i die? i think not.
i think i have just been a coward. i was just not brave enough to stand up against the world, and command a halt on the overflowing shit. how can i be happy in the future if i cannot be happy now? how can i be sure that tomorrow, in heaven, i could be happy, if today, in my life now, i couldn’t even give an honest smile? the only thing i could work upon is my now, and if now i could not work upon my happiness, how could i expect to reap it in the future, or in my next life? then i came thinking, i was saved because of the ressurection, by jesus’ redeeming grace, that is why i get a shot at heaven. but fuck, jesus’ redeeming grace is not something i only get when my heart stops beating, its something overflowing in all places, something i just need to open my heart to. heaven is now. happiness can be acheived now. i should not rot myself, and justify it that i am being a martyr for heaven, that is totally foollish. then come to think of it, jesus was/is perpetually happy. because deep inside him, despite all the shit the world threw at his face, the fire of deep contentment and joy burns in him. contentment that comes from him knowing that he is doing the right thing, and joy because he is facing all the shit out of love, because he has a purpose, and not only accepting it because that is the way it is.
maybe that is my problem. the way i receive the shit of the world. so gloomy. so gothy some may say. so nihilistic in a wierd twisted christian way. then i thought that i really could not escape suffering, what ever i do. i may live like a saint yet still suffer, but it is my choice on what suffering i would pursue. it is my call on what burden to carry, the cross of christ, or the heavy boulders of a bollocks life. fuck, i don’t know. but hell, i just hope i make the right choice before its too late.
