Archive for pumiglas

strength, frodo, endurance

November 7, 2008 · Filed under buhay, love, pumiglas

wala ako masyadong activity ngayong sembreak. nakakasawa naman mag NBA live lalo na kung 16 years na ang dynasty mong sobrang bihira mo lang i-simulate. kaya ayun, as usual, naging hobby ko ang pagiisip at pag critic ng buhay ko. naisip ko, ano nga ba ang ginawa ko sa buhay these past years? at oo. hindi ako pumayag sa mga cliche answers na binabato ko sa sarili ko. sabi ko, hindi. i have all the time in the world. yah.. i could think deeper. yes i could.

these past years, nag aaral ako. nag eexercise both physically and mentally. nag gagather ako ng experiences. binubuo ko ang pagkatao ko. nag iipon ako ng mga kaibigan. sinusubukan kong buuin ang image ko sa sarili ko. kumakain ako. naliligo. tumatae. para saan? para saan ba yun? iniipon ko lang ba lahat ng nakukuha sa mga iyon? o nagamit ko na? kung nagamit ko na, saan ko naman ginamit? o ginagamit? meron ba akong goal in mind?

inisip ko yun. medyo matagal. nakakagago minsan, pero wtf, ako naman yun. sarili ko naman yun. kung naiinis ako, sarili ko parin naman yun eh. wala akong choice kundi tanggapin. sa pagiisip ko na yun, nauwi ako sa isang resolusyon: pinapalakas ko ang sarili ko, ang buo kong pagkatao. para saan? para matalo ko once and for all ang mundo. para madurog ko ang mundong dumudurog sakin. para sirain ang lahat ng nakaharang sakin. hinahanda ko ang sarili ko para maging malakas laban sa lahat ng kokontra sa mga gusto kong gawin. sa lahat ng kokontra sa pag abot ko ng mga bagay, na sa tingin ko, magpapasaya sakin.

nagpapatalino ako, para madaan ko sila sa dunong. nag gagather ako ng experiences, para hindi nila ako maisahan, imbes, maisahan ko sila. nagpapalakas ako ng katawan, para hindi nila ako gaguhin. nagiipon ako ng pera, para magawa ang gusto ko. lahat ng ginagawa kong pagpapalakas ng buo kong pag katao, ginagawa ko, para maging unstopable force. para maging sobrang lakas, walang makakapigil sakin. napaka offensive minded. pero masisisi mo ba ako? sa pag ka gago-gago ng mundo, at least sa kinagisnan ko, masisisi mo ba ako kung gusto kong maging unstopable force?

napangiti ako. ang cool naman pala ng lahat nang paghahandang ginagawa ko eh. sa tingin ko, may pinatutunguhan naman. kaya ayun, pinakawalan ko muna ang ediyang yun sa isip ko.

recently, nanuod ako ng lord of the rings fellowship of the ring. natuwa ako kasi isa yun sa mga onting original vcd ko. pinanuod ko. natuwa naman ako. lalo na ngayong naiisip kong, bulok na ang special effects niya kung ikukumpara ngayon. hahaha. pero anyway, ayun, napanuod ko si frodo.

wala naman talaga kaming pagkakaparehas ni frodo bukod sa height siguro kaya hindi ko masasabing nakita ko ang sarili ko sakanya, pero marami akong bagong naisip dahil sa kanya. unang una: siya ang bida ng kwento. hindi siya malakas. hindi siya yung pinaka pogi (oo, yung pinaka pogi, si legolas, bakla). hindi ganun ka exciting ang character niya, pero siya ang bida. sakanya umiikot ang kwento. pero bakit? kasi malakas siya. at yung adventure niya para sirain ang ring sa mordor, pinalakas din siya nun. pero panong pagpapalakas? hindi naman lumaki muscle niya, hindi naman siya tumalino, hindi naman siya naging mas cunning? pano?

idederetso ko na agad sa sarili ko at lalagpasan na ang mga metaphors (kahit everything is a mataphor sabi nga ni oshima). naisip ko na:
a.) laging may mas malakas sakin
b.) kahit anong gagawin kong paghahanda at pagpapalakas ng kahit anong aspeto ng pagkatao ko, meron paring lalamang sakin
c.) lagi akong may weakness
d.) imposibleng maging unstoppable force
e.) pag ikaw ang offense, kadalasan, kontrabida ang hantong mo

eh kung ganun ang lagay, bakit pa ako nag hahanda? bakit ko pa pinapalakas ang pagkatao ko? bakit pa? bakit ang society ganun ang sistema? hinahanda tayo? kasi yun ang nararapat. kung yun ang nararapat, naisip ba nilang walang sense mag palakas?

nasa sakin ang mali. iniisip ko kasi na gusto kong mag palakas, o buuin ang pagkatao ko para durugin lahat ng haharang sakin. para maging unstopable, para marating ang gusto ko sa buhay. gusto kong lumakas para labanan ang mundo. pero naisip kong wala yun papupuntahan, kasi ano man ang gawin ko, gagawa at gagawa ang mundo ng paraan na saktan ako. nasa perspective ang pagkakamali ko. kelangan kong magpalakas ng buo kong pagkatao. oo. pero hindi para tumira, o lumaban, kundi para mag endure. kelangan kong maging malakas para i-endure ang lahat ng ibabato sakin ng mundo. kelangan kong maging malakas para kahit anong tama, makakatayo parin ako. kelangan kong maging malakas para sa lahat ng sugod sakin ng mundo, kaya kong buksan ang mga mata ko para matuto sa sakit. kelangan kong maging malakas para imbes na mamilipit sa bawa’t suntok ng mundo, nakatayo parin ako at natututo. oo nga. hindi para sumugod. kundi para tumayo. para hindi malayo sa tabi mo. oo. para hindi malayo sa tabi mo. kasi sa totoo naman, hindi ko kelangan talagang labanan ang mundo. ilusyon lang yun. hindi ako sasaya dun. pag kasama ka lang. dun lang naman eh. pano ko yun magagawa? hindi sa pag sugod, kundi sa pag stand ng ground. sa pagiging malakas mag endure.

Leave a comment »

sorry for putting you up to this

August 18, 2008 · Filed under buhay, love, pumiglas

kala mo nakakalipad ako?
akala ko rin eh, hindi pala. nakaka-asar.
ang lakas-lakas ng loob kong tumalon.
buong-buo yung loob kong
hindi ako lalagpak. ang tanga ko naman kasi.
naniwala ba naman ako na basta
gustuhin ko; basta gustuhin ng buo kong
pagkatao; basta may malinis akong puso,
basta pumikit lang ako nang mata, tapos ihiling
ko sa mga bituin sa langit,
kahit anong gustuhin ko, matutupad.
hindi pala. tang ina.

kaya eto tayo ngayon, bumabagsak.
pabilis ng pabilis. walang maliw, walang
makakapigil sa atin. ang sarap sana
ng pakiramdam, mahangin, mabilis,
para narin tayong lumilipad. kaso lang,
walang saya, kasi alam mo, alam ko,
na kamatayan lamang
ang kahihinatnan natin dito. umasa pa tayo.

pasensya na ha, nadamay pa kita.
hindi ko talaga sinasadya.
naisip ko kasi, kung may tao akong gustong
makasama sa pag lipad, ikaw yun.
espesyal ka eh. pero, katulad nang parati,
nagkamali nanaman ako. imbes na maisama ka
sa tuktok ng mundo, eto tayo, palagpak sa semento.

malapit na, ilang segundo nalang, nasa
unang palapag na tayo.
sana hindi natin mabagsakan yung gwardya,
hindi pa naman nya tayo napapansin.
sana hindi na tayo makadamay pa nang iba,
sa kahibangan nang pangangarap natin.

hawak ka sakin nang mahigpit,
alam kong hindi ka maililigtas nang pagkapulupot sakin,
kapritsuhan ko lang yan. para hanggang sa kamatayan,
di talaga tayo mapaghiwalay.
ayan na. putang

Leave a comment »

Protected: homily (updated)

June 22, 2008 · Filed under jesuit, pumiglas · Tagged

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:


Enter your password to view comments

remember the time i sent you the friendster message? well, i do, vividly. i clearly remember the time you tore me apart by turning me down, but what could i do? nothing else but bask in my own melancholy, left with words that only made sense to me, and i hope, to you too. how dare you smile at me? why do you insist in piercing my soul more? why do you smile at me? do you intend to taunt me and show me the heaven i couldn’t acheive? are you my punishment? why so grave. are you my fleeting promise of afterlife? i think not, for you took my life and brought my death a long time ago. what could i do? nothing, but accept the sad truth that i would never, ever have that smile totally to myself. i am left only as an expectator. a child at the window of a store. waiting, wanting, but never gets what he want. fuck, you make me sound so gay.

June 21, 2008 · Filed under love, pumiglas

it all started with drunken laughter;
as we began to drown time;
another committed murder.

you and i hand and hand,
as we sadistically enjoyed the pleasure
of time slipping by dear life,
inch by inch it screamed.

but we heard naught,
for we laughed harder.

we are time’s murderer,
yes i still have her stain in my hands,
do you still have yours?
well i hope it reminds you of me,
and the guilty pleasure we shared
together,
for we are time’s murderer.

Leave a comment »

Protected: me giving advice to my mom and aunt (password:palindrome)

June 9, 2008 · Filed under buhay, kasiyahan, love, pumiglas · Tagged

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:


Enter your password to view comments

happiness and suffering and a lot more loads of shit

June 8, 2008 · Filed under buhay, everyday, kasiyahan, love, pumiglas · Tagged

i always prayed for heaven without really knowing what my prayer really meant. my silent wish was so vague, i really never knew what i really wanted. all i knew was, i am afraid of hell, and the only way is to enter heaven, or maybe live forever, which is kind of absurd.

another thing maybe, about this heaven obsession of mine is because my life is a load full of shit. of course, there are a lot of bright spots in it, but overshadowing all of it is the horror of my true sorrow, melancholy the world and I brought to myself. so maybe that is how this heaven obsession grew in me, so that i have something to hold on to. like this promise, that after all this shit, there is my true happiness, just waiting in the corner.

i even have this motto: life sucks. i beleive that the world is meant to beat up on me, that it is there to perpetually keep me down, testing the strength of my knees and the depth of my ego. anyway i thought, that is why heaven is made, so that after all of this shit, at the end, i could be happy. jesus had his fair share of shit, on the cross, and even on his whole life. so i’m no different. my sucky life is normal, it is how it is suppossed to be. my gloomy attitude towards the world? no, not bad. just realistic.

then this vacation, i have all this time to think.

so here i am. i, living a shitty life, accepting all the bollocks the world has to offer with open arms, because that is just the way it is. that i build my happiness on something i cannot perceive now, something far away from now, the unsure future. i have my happiness trapped in tommorrow, trapped in my own kind of promise, in my own heaven. was i being religious? was i being a good catholic by accepting the world’s bitches and laying all my hope of happiness in my own concept of heaven? a heaven which i could only reach when i die? i think not.

i think i have just been a coward. i was just not brave enough to stand up against the world, and command a halt on the overflowing shit. how can i be happy in the future if i cannot be happy now? how can i be sure that tomorrow, in heaven, i could be happy, if today, in my life now, i couldn’t even give an honest smile? the only thing i could work upon is my now, and if now i could not work upon my happiness, how could i expect to reap it in the future, or in my next life? then i came thinking, i was saved because of the ressurection, by jesus’ redeeming grace, that is why i get a shot at heaven. but fuck, jesus’ redeeming grace is not something i only get when my heart stops beating, its something overflowing in all places, something i just need to open my heart to. heaven is now. happiness can be acheived now. i should not rot myself, and justify it that i am being a martyr for heaven, that is totally foollish. then come to think of it, jesus was/is perpetually happy. because deep inside him, despite all the shit the world threw at his face, the fire of deep contentment and joy burns in him. contentment that comes from him knowing that he is doing the right thing, and joy because he is facing all the shit out of love, because he has a purpose, and not only accepting it because that is the way it is.

maybe that is my problem. the way i receive the shit of the world. so gloomy. so gothy some may say. so nihilistic in a wierd twisted christian way. then i thought that i really could not escape suffering, what ever i do. i may live like a saint yet still suffer, but it is my choice on what suffering i would pursue. it is my call on what burden to carry, the cross of christ, or the heavy boulders of a bollocks life. fuck, i don’t know. but hell, i just hope i make the right choice before its too late.

Comments (1) »

how a system is fucked up

May 26, 2008 · Filed under buhay, kasiyahan, pumiglas

every morning, i ride a trike from our home to reach the main road, commonwealth road. the trikes has this system they follow: they line up and wait until they are full (which takes about 4 passengers), then they take off. so, this is how it goes, you ride the trike that is in front of the line, wait for it until it gets full, then boom. pretty simple eh? just like the normal pila, normal!? yuck. so one day i thought of something, what if i fuck up their system?? hehehe… normal is boring…

so one morning instead of riding the trike that is first line and wait there until it gets full, i walked a little farther and stopped at the end of the trike line. there i stood eyeing the tricycle drivers. at first no one bit my bait, all were waiting in line, waiting for their turn until blam, one trike drove in front of me. the driver told me to get in and we flew. the trike came from the middle, maybe he was just bored or simply impatient to wait for his turn so he just went out of the line and accomodated me. it worked both for us you see, for me, because i did not have to wait for the trike to get full before it could take off, which takes about 3-6 minutes; and it also worked for the driver because even though he was not able to fill his tricycle in line, he could still get passengers on the way. the only thing really disturbed by that act is the system the tricycle drivers try to implement. but aside from that, no harm done.

so i did that a couple more days. of course most of the drivers still hold firm in their line, but there are still some who bite my bait and accomodate me. so as days passed, more and more drivers accomodated me, in fact there came a time that they fought over who gets me, ignoring the line they set up. then as my act became often, other passengers imitated me. thinking what i was doing was better, at least for them, they wouldn’t have to wait. so that was it, the system the trike drivers tried to implement became shit. the passengers just passed through the line and waited for a trike to go directly to them and take off immediately. at first, i thought that was the end of their little boring system, so i didn’t find it interesting enough to blog, then one morning, something happened.

when i reached the trike station, they were still all in line. then when i reached my spot just after the trike line, the spot where i wait for a trike to get out of line and stop in front me, no tricycle came. instead, i heard jeers from some of the trike drivers: wala na yan, di na yan gagana; ginagawa mo itong taxi, trike ito; and a lot more. but because i have overflowing pride and ego, i stood my ground. i did not mind them. while some of the passengers humbly rode the trike in the front of the line, there i stood waiting, hoping a trike driver was brittle enough to be tempted by me.

i waited. waitied. but not long enough for me to give in, because boom, a trike went zooming in front of me. yes! i screamed inside, muntik na akong mapahiya, hehehe. so i rode the trike. when the people inside of the trike waiting in line saw my early departure, they too went out of the trike followed what i did. blam. system destroyed. its already been a week since that happened, and now, the trikes don’t wait in line, they just wait for a passenger then go. thanks to me, the passengers need not to wait.

well, indeed, a system could not work if there is even a single clink in the chain. well, sometimes systems are boring, and it takes some revolutionaries to fuck it up. hehehe.

Comments (1) »

holdapper; pimples; pagsi

May 21, 2008 · Filed under buhay, kasiyahan, pumiglas

i had a hell of a day… a lot to blog about
—
I. Another near hold-up experience + a friend who lacks faith

i have treaded the streets of manila since time-y-memorial. i have walked with all the crooks, i actually live by some, i have seen their vile faces and how their dark blood trickle from their sin withered veins. so when i see one, i’m damn sure about it.
so this is what happened, me and my cousin rode a jeep from philcoa and met this friend on the ride. she was not actually my friend, she’s just like an acquantance. so we kind of chat about life and how it passes so quickly, blah blah… so skip that shit, we go straight to the story: our jeep stopped at tandang sora (remember the time i had an encounter with holdapers who i threw stones at?), and two men went inside. the skinny muscular type, you could guess that both of them were construction workers. there were no empty seats except for the two seats near the driver (not the front seats), so they sat there. i just got this gut feeling about this two men that i started to observe them. they went in together, they kind of have the same job, but they never talked to each other. they started to feign sleeping, covering their faces with their bags, but shit, they couldn’t trick me with that, i saw them making eye contact. fuck, i thought. i have my little cousin with me. shit, what should i do? but i still wasn’t sure and if they were really holdappers, going down suddenly would just entice them, so i waited. my cousin and my friend, and possibly the whole jeep did not notice me spying on the two guys, or even shared my suspicion. but to hell with them, i remember what i told my cousin: never fuck with a fucker, hehehe. anyway, there i was waiting for an opportunity to go down or the last hint i needed to confirm that the two are really holdappers, then one of the passengers near the exit of the jeep yelled: para! the jeep stopped and the said passenger went down. suddenly one of the suspicious guys stood up and changed seats, taking the seat near the exit. fuck i said. i’m sure he is a holdapper. why would he change seats if he were sleepy? he would be contented in his seat and drowse but no, he needed that seat because its the “hold-upping position”. one in the exit and one near the driver, one to control the driver, the other to control the exit. and they were really bad actors, if you were sleepy, you woudn’t stand up immediately without any sign of drowsy-red-eyes and shout at the driver to stop first while he changed seats. so that was it, i made my mind, as he was going to change seats, i grabbed my cousin and my friends arm: baba na tayo dito. my cousin was puzzled, but god knows why, she has this unwavering trust in me so she obediently followed but my friend was kind of dense in such a stubborn way so i just left her. we rode another jeep, hoping my friend was fine.

then we reached home. we were eating dinner when suddenly… KKRRRINGG!!! the fone rang. it was her. i really don’t know if she was sobbing or anything: nakuha nila cellphone ko. that is what she told me. damn, thank god, i really couldn’t imagine my cousin in that situation. shit! i wouldn’t endanger my cousin for the world. shit. thank god. thank god.

—

II. I thought my mom left me

my mom works abroad, so that leaves me technically an orphan, but i’m not sad or anything, i kind of enjoy the freedom, without anyone telling me what to do. but i was wrong. while me and my cousin were in the jeep she suddenly told me: 9!!! i gave her a quizzical look. you have nine pimples!!!, she told me. so?, i answered. ibig sabihin, matulog ka na on time! wag ka na magpuyat sa computer. take care of yourself. she told me that. damn. i thought my mom left me. but unlike my mom, her bickering made me smile and kiss her.

—

III. Tolerance

the is the gospel today is about tolerance. i won’t write a summary of it or my reflection, i’m sure you could make your own (mark 9:38-40), what i’m going to share is something the priest shared in his homily from Pagsi (i was lucky enought to attend one of pagsi’s talks!!!). he (the priest) and pagsi were watching a movie about a family with un-catholic values like gay and lesbian relationships and a lot of sexual deviations, then after the movie, pagsi asked him: what do you think about the movie? then he answered: i’m sure the church wouldn’t love this. then pagsi, in all his wisdom answered: i’m sure god has a bigger heart than the church. WHAPAK!

—

i finished my ECE project today!!!

Leave a comment »

i found an alternate entrance to our library

May 19, 2008 · Filed under buhay, kasiyahan, pumiglas

i just found an alternate entrance in our library!!! yehey!!! now i can go in freely without an id… and guess what?? i could bring out books!!! but of course… that would be stealing, and that would be bad… so i would just reserve that for desperate occassions where the line between good and bad is blurred by the urgency of the situation, and anyway, i would just borrow it…

but it was a really cool experience. i was stuck at ateneo with nothing to do and i still have to wait for more than an hour for my cousin. my friends just left me and my last resort was to go to the library, but i left my id at home… so i was walking around the library when i saw this door at the bottom side of the library open. i kind of noticed that door for a long time now, but i never dared going near it. i mean, there may be a swarm of guards there or strict old ladies you know, but at that moment i was bored to death, so i just went in. i looked around. i saw quarters, maybe janitor’s or guard’s; then i saw printing machines or so i think, then i heard voices talking. i was pretty afraid i might get caught, but hey, i have nothing better to do. so i continued my adventure in this strange place when i suddenly saw this stairs that led upwards. i climbed it, and it ended in a door which i entered and found out to be another entrance to the library!!! whala!!! cool!!!

—-
two chemists making small talk:

chemist 1: hey, how was your day?
chemist 2: well, the weather was STP, and everything was just in equilibrium. nothing special. you?
chemist 1: uh, yah, same here, except for some systematic errors and stuff. i see you are into hard drinks now?
chemist 2: um, yeh. i just couldn’t be a black body you know. i need a vent, so here i am, drinking myself out with mineral water.
chemist 1: i see. but don’t drink too much, everything should just be under the bell curve, ayt?
chemist 2: sure, i got everything under proper RSD.
chemist 1: your saying that, but i see your cheeks are like overtitrated NaOH.
chemist 2: its just a bad day you know. entropy, i guess.
chemist 1: don’t worry, everything will turn out to be spontaneous on the direction you wish.
chemist 2: yah, i hope so.
chemist 1: you sound so nerdy.
chemist 2: you too.
chemist 1: volt*ampere?!?!
chemist 2: yah.
chemist 1: well, what the fuck.
chemist 2: yah, the hell with them.

Leave a comment »

my cousin’s choice

May 18, 2008 · Filed under pumiglas

a conversation between me and my cousin. i’m proud of her. :)

me: wag ka nang bumili ng intermediate pad.
cousin: bakit naman? kailangan ko nun eh.
me: mang hingi ka nalang.
cousin: huh? nakakahiya naman.
me: wala yun, ok lang yun.
cousin: eh…
me: para tipid. para di na tayo bumili.
cousin: huh? diba you told me once na hindi totoo ang pag titipid?
me: …
cousin: diba sabi mo, pag nagtitipid, kinakawawa mo ang ang lahat kasi hindi umiikot ang pera?
me: naaalala mo pa yun? *scratches head*
cousin: yup! you told me nga na dapat we should learn to spend kasi sa ganun, mabubuhay ang, ano ba yun? basta magiging tulad tayo ng singapore.
me: oo nga, sinabi ko nga yun.
cousin: so bibili na tayo ng intermediate pad?
me: teka… hmm… (di mag papatalo, hehehe) eh hindi naman mababawasan ang bumibili ng intermediate pad pag di ka bumili eh. kasi pag mang hingi ka lang ng hingi, yung ibang tao naman ang mauubusan, kaya sila, bibili ulit. gets? so parang, imbes na ikaw yung bumili, sila yung bumili. umikot parin yung pera, pero ‘di galing sayo.
cousin: huh?
me: kasi may mga role naman tayong pine-play sa buhay. meron mga nagbibigay, merong nanghihingi. pag nagbibigay ka, nakakatulong ka, pag humihingi ka naman, nabibigyan mo ng chance ang iba para tumulong. gets?
cousin: ah, ok.
me: sige, i-slash ko na sa list natin yan ha.
cousin: hindi, wag. may different roles naman tayo diba. mas gusto ko ata yung nagbibigay, yup, yun ata ako.
me: whow!!! (smiles in the inside) well, kung yan ang trip mo, di mabuti.
cousin: ok.

nakakatuwa yung pinsan ko! marunong na siya mag isip para sa sarili niya!!! hahaha!!! hindi na siya sunod-sunuran!!! hahaha!!! tuwang-tuwa ako!!! feeling ko natututo talaga siya kahit papano!!! :D

Leave a comment »

genuine prayer; me and my cousin; sexuality

May 17, 2008 · Filed under buhay, pumiglas

how do you know if your prayer is genuine? how do you know if you really talked to god in your prayer rather than just muttering to yourself? that was a question posed by a priest in his opening homily. cool diba?

of course you could gauge it by your feelings. when you feel high, when you really feel the elating presence of god, you could possibly say that, indeed, your prayer was good. but feelings are fickle (just like women,hehehe), they always change. it is difficult to trust your feelings (is it also the case with women? i don’t know…hehehe, joke) because it is controlled by a lot of factors which then reduces prayer to a mere everyday experience rather than a way of life. is it in the intention of the prayer? i don’t think so. as they say, intentions are always not enough. then how? how?

how do you know if a movie is good? is it in the title? in the story line? in the actors? i don’t think so. there are a lot of movies with good story lines, cinematography or even great actors, but what makes a movie stand among the rest? i think it is how it moved its viewers. how it gave the viewer a new perspective in life. how it affected its viewer. i think that is also how prayer works. the gauge of a prayer goes beyond feelings and intentions, it probes further more to the fruits of it. if the prayer moved you to be a better person for the day; if the prayer broke you out from your shell to take risks and follow your heart then that is indeed genuine prayer. remember the sharped tounge james? what is faith if not accompanied by actions? cool right? but what kind of actions? if you ask me, the actions are not merely following written laws or walking thes straight path, but actions steered by the heart. actions that may seem unconventional, but still pushed through because it is done out of love.

—

i had bad feedbacks about my last post concerning me and my cousin shortpaying a taxi driver. they told me that what i did was bad. that i can’t fight fire with fire. well, they may be right, but fuck, the taxi driver crossed the line. he terrorized my cousin, the only person i really care about in this world (yes more than my mom). all i did was fight for her, of course knowing me, in a pretty fun/funny way. i think it doesn’t really matter how many people you bump in this world, what really counts is how you stand up for the people you love, and that is all that i did. adn to the people telling me i am a bad influence to my cousin, i really think you are wrong. i’m just giving her a chance to be a happy, a happiness we shared together. if i ask you now, when was the last time you did something happy with your brother or sister? did both of you genuinely enjoy it? well, not doing anything bad does not mean doing good.

—

i was inspired to write this post because i have this friend who hates talking about his crush or anything realted to women. he tells me it gets him thinking other stuff and he just wants to suppress it. close his mind from it. well, i think what he is doing is bad and not helping him. i think he is just turning himself into a ticking sexually repressed time bomb. jason on handling sexuality:

1. when sexual thoughts come to my head, i don’t kick it out, i just let it pass. trying to kick it out would just make things worse, it would just let my mind dwell more on it. i did not say entertain the thought, just let it pass.

2. i thank god for my sexuality.  i thank god because i’m attracted to a person of my opposite sex, not an animal or a man.

3. i try to appreciate rather than lust over. when i see an attractive person, i dwell on her strong points and try to appreciate it as a work of art, but not to the point of demeaning the person to a mere painting or object, yet god’s masterpiece. another of god’s tricks to continually astound me of his majesty.

4. this may sound really corny, but i kind of project a motherly figure on her, mary for example. it removes all the lust and fills me with admiration and awe.

5. if worse comes to worse, i just talk to her staight. joke! hehehe…

—

i just finished watching The Hoax (2006), nakaka relate ako. feeling ko magiging katulad ako ni clifford irving, wag naman sana, pero feeling ko magagawa ko yung mga ginawa niya… tsktsk..

Leave a comment »

transport strike adventures

May 12, 2008 · Filed under buhay, kasiyahan, pumiglas

fuck the transport strike. the traffic was sooo bad. cars were not moving. the buses and jeeps were all full. all the taxis were taken. it was raining damn hard. i didn’t knew then how to go home, and to complicate things more, i have my 10 year old cousin at my right arm. shit. i can’t rush into a bus or hitch a ride in a jeepney because i have her by my side. i just can’t leave her you know. so there we were, wetting our asses off in philcoa, praying an empty taxi might come by us, but of course nothing came but ruddy taxis ready to run on us. so there i was, screaming curses all around, banging cars, kicking doors, raising dirty fingers and of course, running when they came out. it was pretty fun though, it kinds of relax me and my cousin. the adrenaline rush of running is pretty cool in the veins. anyway, when it was getting pretty late, and my deliquent bahaviour became pretty tiring, me and my cousin thought of seriously finding a taxi to take us home. so we were there standing amidst the crowd, there was no chance in hell we could get a ride, then…DING! i was really suprised the other people didn’t think of it, we crossed the street to the opposite lane. it was virtually empty and taxis were rushing by. of course, in the heat of my delinquency, we jaywalked the very dangerous philcoa road. it was really exciting, the cars were speeding, they really didn’t care about us. but we didin’t care too. we were actually laughing.

then blam, we entered the first taxi that stopped for us which was just about like 5 seconds after we crossed the street. we were dripping wet, he was asking me where we are headed, i said commonwealth, his eyes bulged: traffic dun ha! i acted as if i didn’t notice his whinning. i winked at my cousin to follow my lead. ok ka lang? parang may sakit ka na ata ha… then of course, the driver having a heart of gold could not kick us out anymore. so there we were, in his comfy taxi braving the evil heavy traffic. when i say traffic, damn, i mean traffic. we almost spent half an hour just making a u-turn in philcoa. the commonwealth street was utterly still except for motor vibrations. the driver’s whining grew louder. putang ina! ubos ang gasolina ko nito! putang ina! i pretended not to notice him, while i tended my sick cousin. of course i intented to give him extra, duh, the traffic was really really bad.

then we reached the overpass after deacades of inching our way through the traffic. the driver muttered: hindi ko na kayo ipapasok, sobra na talaga ang traffic. i understood his sentiment, of course the traffic was really really bad, but i tried to push in the best tone possible: kuya, baka pwedeng kahit itawid mo nalang kami. then he exploded. putang ina kayo, hinatid ko na nga kay dito! ano ba kayo! tang ina naman, ubos na nga gasolina ko! puta! i was mad at him. he exploded in front of my cousin who was now really afraid on her seat. i could not give way to my ego you know, and pounce him right then, because i have justine to take care of, so i humbly opened the door and motioned justine to go out the taxi. then  after we went out, i gave the taxi driver our fare. thank you manong, i said. then we ran up the over pass as fast as we could. when we were a bit up, we peeked at the driver who is now outside of his taxi screaming: tangina kayong mga bata kayo! kulang ang bayad niyo! we laughed our hearts out at the sight of the fat balding middle aged driver screaming at us. we taunted for a while, then we ran as fast as we could.

then, when i felt we were safe enough, we bought a coke; savoring the moment, the rain, the coldness, the recent scenes of our lives; then i told my cousin, so ano?  you learned something today? she stared at me blankly. i really love times such as these, times when i could impart to her some of life’s lessons. Justine, never fuck with a fucker. naintindihan mo? she smiled. i think she got it. we finished our coke and took a trike straight home.  

Leave a comment »

sa mga nagsasabing hindi naghirap si mama mary

April 12, 2008 · Filed under love, pumiglas

may nakausap ako isang beses na sinabing maswerte daw talaga si mama mary. syempre naman sumang-ayon ako. pero biglang nag-iba yung tono niya. parang sinasabi niya, maswerte lang daw talaga siya, hindi katulad ng mga santo katulad ni san lorenzo ruiz na talagang inalisan ng kuko, siya daw pinanganak nang ganun. well, tumango lang ako. hindi ko na siya sinagot kasi mabagal akong mag-isip at dahil maganda rin siya. hehehe. anyway, napag-isipan ko kanina, oo nga, merong blah-blah sorrows of mary… pero may napag-isipan din ako.

sabi kasi nung kaibigan ko, hindi na naman daw malaki ang tsansang mag karoon ng kasalanan si mary kasi pinanganak na siyang walang original sin, kaya daw effortless naman daw maging mabait, well, sa tingin ko, mali siya. ganun din naman si adam at eve eh, ginawa silang walang bahid ng kasalanan pero hanggang ngayon pinag-dudusahan natin ang malaking pag-kakamali nila. so, ibig sabihin nun, hindi automatic ang pagiging malinis ni mary sa kasalanan sa buhay niya, kundi pinag-hirapan niya rin ito. isang continous struggle sakanya.

hindi madali ang nangyari sa announcation ng angel kay mary. hindi madaling um-oo sa inaalok ni god na pinadala sa anghel. unang-una, laging nakakatakot ang presence ni god, kaya sa mga ganung pagkakataon, kadalasan wala sa tamang pag-iisip ang mga tao. hindi madaling mag-yes ng hindi humihingi ng explanation. ganito, para mas malinaw, gagamit ako ng example. hindi pwedeng maging instant hero ang isang tao sa sunog. kumbaga, hindi porket may sunog, automatic na tumatapang ang isang tao at susugod sa apoy para mag-ligtas ng tao. ang mga instinct na ito, katulad ng pagliligtas ng buhay ng iba sa panahon ng kagipitan, ay nanggagaling sa habitual na “pagliligtas” o pag tulong sa kapwa. kumbaga, magkakaroon ka lang ng instinct na sugurin ang umaapoy na building, kung sa pang araw-araw mong ginagawa, sa maliliit na paraan, gumagawa ka ng maliliit na bagay para sa iba, sa ganitong paraan, nabubuo sa subconscious ng isang tao ang pagiging selfless. ganun din kay mary. hindi siya naging one time big time na faithful sa panahon ng announciation. ang kanyang instinct ng pag oo sa gusto ni god ay nangaling sa pangaraw-araw na maliliit na bagay na pag-yes niya sa gusto ni god. gets? mahirap yun diba? yung tipong lahat ng gagawin mo, literal mong iniisip na: what would jesus do?? at siyempre mas mahirap sa lagay ni mary, kasi hindi pa naman niya kilala si jesus, kaya mahirap ang wwjd, wala siyang concrete example kundi ang sinisigaw ng puso niya. ayun, mas humirap pa diba? lahat ng ginagawa niya, sinusunod niya ang gusto ni god, at para malaman ang gusto ni god, kelan pa niyang maging contemplative palagi, so mahirap talaga, sobra. kung gusto mo ng proweba kung talagang naguluhan si mary, o talagang may struggle sa pag-oo niya sa will ni god na tanggapin niya si jesus, pwede itong ituro sa visitation of mary sa pinsan niya. hindi ako sure dito ah, pero diba, baka pumunta siya dun para mag hanap ng solace. isipin mo, batang bata pa nun si mary, baka 14 yrs lang, tapos nagkaganun na. kaya humingi siya dito ng advice siguro, o makakaramay lang, kaya nga siguro diba sabi nung pinsan niya: “hail mary full of grace…”, siguro hinihintay din ito ni mary para maging re-assurance na tama ang nangyayari sa buhay niya.

mahirap maging background person. kelangan, para dun, durog ang ego mo. dapat wala kang pride. kasi para maging background person, dapat tanggap mo na mas magaling sayo yung nasa harapan mo. ganun ang nangyari kay mary. buong buhay siyang background person. at hindi man lang niya inagaw yung lime light, andun lang siya, handang mag silbi. mahirap yun ah. yung tipong, hindi ka incontrol sa anak mo, kasi mahirap man tanggapin, mas matalino ito’t mas makapangyarihan. isipin mo, araw-araw na huwaran, whapak, mahirap yun ha. per tinanggap niya yun, maging tiga-hugas, tiga-laba, mabuting ina, lahat. lupet.

laging naririnig yung phrase na: kahit “ako nalang ang maghirap, wag lang siya” or “sana ako nalang, mas kakayanin ko pa, kesa makita siyang ganyan”. sa dami ng nagsasabi nito, malamang totoo ‘to, diba? pag may mahal kang tao, doble ang sakit na nararamdaman mo pag nakikita mo siyang nag hihirap, at wala kang magawa para tulungan siya diba? so, kung tayo palang, mga taong makasalanan, ibig sabihin, kahit gaano natin kamahal ang isang tao, dahil sa kasalanan, may bahid yung pag mamahal natin, so hindi ganun ka perpekto yung pagmamahal ay nasasaktan ng sobra pag may importante sa buhay natin na nasasaktan, lalo pa si mary na may love na sobrang pure. ibig sabihin nun, super, super sakit yung nararamdaman niya tuwing nakikita niya si jesus na inaapi, o kaya nung passion niya. diba?? kung ang normal na taong may bahid ang pagmamahal nasasaktan, paano pa si mary?

hindi ako sigurado sa mga sinabi ko. at malamang mas marami pang dahilan ang paghihirap ni mary, pero sa ngayon, ito palang naisip ko. may idadagdag ka pa ba? sabihin mo, para masaya. tapos mag marami na, sasabihin ko na sa kaibigan kong mas matanda at maganda. hehehe.

Comments (1) »

huwag mangamba

April 10, 2008 · Filed under buhay, pumiglas

kung totoo nga daw na itim talaga yung kulay ng gabi, siguro, masaya si ako. pero hindi. alam mo kung bakit?? kasi hindi talaga ito itim!

noong panahon, kulay berde ang langit pag mag gagabi na. kaya nga gabi ang tawag dito, kasi kulay gabi siya, yung halaman, alam mo yun? kaya tuwing gabi, mag beberde ang langit, para bang may mga tumutubong halaman sa mga ulap. ang ganda ng tanawing iyon. kadalasan nga, naloloko pa nito ang mga ibon. tuwing gabi, lumilipad sia pataas ng langit, umaasang makadapo sa dambuhalang berdeng puno. pero hindi nila alam, kaya hindi sila maka hanap ng sangang dadapuan, kasi nga, wala naman talagang puno. berde lang talaga ang kulay ng gabi. masayang masaya ang mga tao noon, isipin mo ba naman, berde ang langit pag gabi?! sinong hindi matutuwa nun?

walang nagugutom nung panahon na iyon. lahat busog. walang magnanakaw, walang killer, walang rapist. may world peace nun, isipin mo ba naman, bakit pa gagawa ng masama ang mga tao, e berde naman ang langit pag gabi?

ngunit, sabi nga nila, lahat daw ng masaya, masarap at nakakakiliti, may hangganan. kaya siguro alam mo na ang susunod na mangyayari, pero ike-kwento ko parin: umitim ang langit ng gabi. nagulat at nag taka ang mga tao. nakaupo sila lahat sa labas ng kanilang mga bahay. lahat ng nag tra-trabaho tumigil, hinihintay ang pag sapit ng gabi, tuwang-tuwa kasi sila pag sinisimulan nang lamunin ng berdeng langit ang maliwanag na umaga’t dapit hapon. andun lahat ng tao, sa ilalim ng langit, umaasa na dadatnan ulit nila ang isang berdeng langit, ngunit nagkamali sila ng akala. ang tumampad sa kanila ay isang madilim na gabi. hindi na berde, kundi madilim na gabi. nagkagulo ang mga tao. nabaliw ang iba, naghandusay at nagiiyak yung iba. lahat sila nagtataka, bakit dumilim ang gabi??

nagalit ang mga tao, yung iba naman, sadyang nawalan nalamang nang pag-asa. nag simulang magkaroon ng mga krimen sa mundo. biglang nag-rape ang mga tao, pumatay, nag nakaw, tumaas ang presyo ng langis, nag ka shortage ng bigas at nag simulang magka broadband internet. hindi lang yan, dahil dumilim na ang gabi, nag simulang lumabas ang mga payasong halimaw tulad nina britney spears at paris hilton. nagkagulo ang buong mundo. siguro, kung susumahin ang mga nangyari nung panahong iyon, ang pag labas ng pirated dvd na ang pinaka maganda ng masasabi mong nagawa ng pag dilim ng gabi.

hanggang ngayon, hindi parin bumabalik ang pag ka berde ng langit. itim parin ito. ngunit ngayon, may mga tala na. pinanganak ito ng nagsimulang lumuha ng sabay-sabay ang mga tao sa lungkot na dulot ng pag iba ng kulay ng gabi. inaasahan sana ng sangkatauhan sa sabay-sabay na pag-iyak na bnumalik ang dating kulay ng gabi. baka raw man lang, maawa ang espiritu, ngunit hindi ito naging sapat. bahaghari man lang, sabi ng mga tao. kahit bahag-hari nalamang ang magawa ng luha namin, matutuwa na rin kami, may berde rin naman dun eh. kaso lang, sadyang mailap ang tadhana, walang bahag-haring lumabas kundi isang napaka init na buwan. nagulat ang mga taong noo’y nakahandusay sa pag iyak. bakit umiinit ang buwan?, tanong nila. tapos bigla nalamang nilang napansin na hindi na pumapatak ang mga luha nila sa sahig. tuwing lalabas ito sa mga mata nila, agad itong lumulutan. evaporation, sabi nung isang batang may salamin. walang pumansin sakanya. hinahatak ng mga espiritu ang mga luha natin kapalit ng ating pag ka suwail, sabi naman ng isang lalaking kalbo may goatee. tinginan lahat ng tao sakanya, sabay ta-tango-tango. oo nga, tama siya, sabi nila. sabay sabay umakyat ang luha ng mga tao at pag dating sa lugar sa ibabaw ng ulap, biglang tumigil ang mga mabibilog na tubig galing sa kaibuturan ng kaluluwang naghihinaing sa berdeng langit. tumigil ito’t sumayaw sa itim na langit. nagulat ang mga tao. ano yan?, tanong nilang lahat. mukhang maganda ha, sabi nung isa, oo nga, sagot naman nung isa. parang sakin galing yang tala na yun o, yung nasa gitna, sabi naman ng isang batang nag ngangalang kelog. nang sinabi niya ito, tumahimik ang lahat ng tao. lahat nag tinginan kay kelog. anong sinabi mo??, tanong nila. sumagot naman siya, nanginginig, sabi ko, akin yata yung nasa gitna. nanglisik ang mata ng mga tao, sabi nila: hindi lang yan ang sinabi mo, binigyan mo ng pangalan yang mga iyang lumipad galing sa ating mga mata. ah, yun ba? tinawag ko iyong tala. mas lalong nanlisik ang mata ng mga tao. kelog, ang kapal ng mukha mong pangalanan ang mga iyan! yang mga lumutang na yan ang mga hinaing natin na hindi narinig, mga paninibugho natin na sana bumalik ang berdeng langit na ating ina-asam-asam, at ikaw, tatawagin mo lamang itong, TALA!

nagwala ang mga tao. pinag sasasak-sak nila si kelog. inapak-apakan. binato. tingangallan ng dila at pinulupot ito sa kanyang leeg hanggang lumuwa ang kanyang mga mata at hindi na siya makahinga. nung namalayan nilang hindi na tumitibok ang puso ni kelog, bigla silang napatigil. tumingin sa madilim na langit at napangiti. sabay sabay silang nag sabi: sana naman bumalik na ang berdeng gabi, ito na ang aming alay, sana bumalik na ang berdeng gabi.

pero hindi ito gumana. hanggang ngayon, itim parin ang gabi. hanggang nagayon meron paring mga TALA. hanggang ngayon, wala paring nakaka-alam kung bakit nag palit ng kulay ang gabi. kaya hanggang ngayon, sa gitna ng kagubatan, meron paring pa-kalat kalat na sumasamba at umaasa. mga taong di pa nakakalimot sa nakaraan. isang nakaraan kung saan lahat masaya’t nag mamahalan. isang panahong, hindi pa itim ang langit at wala pang mga tala. isang panahong, berde pa ang kalangitan sa gabi.

Leave a comment »

bakit may world peace ang mundo

March 18, 2008 · Filed under buhay, everyday, kasiyahan, love, pumiglas

masaya ako. alam mo yun, natupad kasi yung matagal ko nang minimithing pangarap: ang world peace. nakaktuwa, tuwing lalabas ako, makikita ko ang mga tao, lahat may ngiti sa labi, lahat nag yayakapan at nag hahalikan. walang holdaper o killer o snatcher o rapist, kasi lahat nag mamahalan. may world peace na, nakakatuwa. at alam mo yung pinaka malupit sa lahat ng yun? ako ang may dahilan kung bakit may world peace.

isang araw kasi habang naglalakad ako, nakasalubong ko ang isang diwata. ganito kasi yun, dapat may pupuntahan ako nun eh, pero naisip ko, wag nalang, dyahe, wala naman akong mapapala, kaya ayun, imbes na gawin at puntahan yung dapat kong gawin at puntahan nag lakad nalang ako papuntang dela costa building. dun sa mga exhibits, pumasok ako ng nautilus, ang ganda dun eh, tahimik, madilim, at parang lugar ng pam-pot session, ganda ng ambiance. kaya yun, pumasok ako, naghahandang mag paka-emo ng biglang may nakita akong babae na nauna pa sakin. maliwanag yung damit niya at kumikintab. humarap siya sakin at ngumit. shet, sabi ko, ganda ng ngipin niya. nabasa niya ata yung isip ko kasi may linakihan pa niya yung colgate smile niya eh. ikaw si kirk diba? bigla niyang tanong sakin. whapak! pano niya yung nalaman? sumagot ako, oo, ako nga yun. nag salita ulit siya: alam mo ba, matagal na kitang pinag mamasdan, at nakita kong may mabait kang kalooban, kaya dahil diyan, isang kahilingan. natulala ako. huwat?! sabi ko. isa nga ba talaga siyang fairy? meron akong stalker na diwata? okay lang, sabi ko sa isip ko, mukha naman siyang hot eh. pag kaisip ko nun, bigla siyang nag blush. nagulat ako, nag violet kasi yung mga pisngi niya. shemay, nakakabasa nga ata siya ng isip! sori kirk, pero as usual, katulad ng milyong milyong babae sa mundo… hindi kita type. hindi naman ako nagulat nung sinabi niya yon. okay lang yun miss diwata, sanay na ako. sagot ko sakanya. napangiti siya, para bang naaawa yung mga mata niya.

okey, back to bussiness, sabi niya. yun na nga, matagal na kitang pinagmamasdan, at napansin kong may mabuti kang kalooban, kaya isang kahilingan. what!? sagot ko naman. oo, isang kahilingan, bilis, ano? anong gusto mo? pilit ng diwata…

napaisip ako, hindi agad pumasok sa isip ko ang 1 billion dollars, o PSP, o mini cooper, nablanco yung isip ko. tapos,natuwa naman ako, whaw, sabi ko sa sarili ko, di pala talaga ako materialistic. biglang sumagot ang diwata, asa ka, mabagal ka lang talaga mag isip, sabi niya habang tumatawa. oo nga, may point ka miss fairy. sagot ko. o, ano? anong gusto mo? tanong ni fairy.

um, gusto ko ng… gusto ko si… um… eh… basta.. um… sinisigaw ng isip ko, pero di ko masabi, at asa ka, hindi ko rin i-ta-type, hahaha!

alam ko na yang gusto mo. pwede ko agad yan ibigay sayo. sabi ng diwata. pero sumabad naman ako, pero hindi ba yan interfering with free will? kahit nga si God, hindi yan ginagawa eh. sagot ko naman. sabi naman nung fairy, ang trabaho ko lang naman ay magbigay ng kahilingan, ang trabaho ni God, sakanya na rin yun, hindi ko yun kaya eh, hanggang dito lang ako. sagot ng fairy. what? ang labo naman nung sinabi mo, sabi ko. tumigil ka na nga, ano, gusto mo bang tuparin ko na yang pangarap mo? gusto mo bang pag labas mi nitong nautilus nagaabang na siya sayo at mag so-stroll kayo buong magdamag? gusto mo na ba yun?

wow, oo nga, sulit yun. sabi ko sa sarili ko. pero para naman akong humiling ng zombie. pero sayang. pero ewan.

pinili kita kirk kasi alam kong isa ka sa mga duwag, mahina at lampa na talagang kelangan pa ng fairy, kaya kung ako sayo, sulitin mo na.

pero…

ano? anong hiling mo?

world peace. oo, yun ang gusto ko.

sigurado ka? wala na tong bawian. at eto lang, para matulungan ka sa desisyon mo, alam mo bang nasilip ko na ang future mo, at wala siya dun, maniwala ka sakin, wala siya dun. sino ba naman ang tatagal sa tulad mo?

… oo, gusto ko ng… gusto ko nang world peace.

okay. sabi mo yan, wala nang bawian ah.

oo naman.

sige. world peace here on the rocks.

biglang naging violet ang buong nautilus. para bang umusok ng malakas tapos biglang umikot ng sobrang bilis ang mundo. tapos nakita ko umitim ang langit. puno ng mga papel na may chinese chracters. whaw, sabi ko.

yun, kaya ngayon, maswerte ka. kaya ngayon, pag labas mo, may world peace. pasalamat ka sakin. oo, world peace. yan ang gusto ko. world peace.

Comments (1) »

« Previous entries
Next Page »