another faceless existence

many are called but few are chosen. gospel yan ngayon. nagtawag daw yun hari ng isang feast, tapos walang pumunta sa mga inimbita niya kaya tumawag nalang siya ng iba, inimbita niya yung mga strangers. andami niyang inimbita sa feast niya, sobrang short notice, pero dahil kainan yun, syempre marami-rami parin yung pumunta. tapos sa gitna nang feast, may nakita yung hari na hindi naka party attire. naasar siya. pinakulong niya yung lalaking hindi naka party attire.

ang wierd nang hari noh? short notice lang eh, kaya malay mo, kaya hindi nakapaghanda yung lalaki, buti nga pumunta pa eh. pero kung titignan mo nang mas malalim, anong ibig sabihin nun para sakin?

nahirapan akong maghanap nang sarili kong kahulugan para sa parable na yun eh. kasi yung mga naiisip ko, sinermon na nang pari. ayoko naman na wala akong originality. nasabi ko na ba yun? pag may nagustuhan kasi akong stuff sa bible, gusto ko, may unique meaning siya para sakin, or at least, isang kahulugan na cliche man, hindi pa nasasabi sakin.

para sakin, ang ibig sabihin nung parable na yun, hindi sapat na mag karoon ka nang rehiliyon. hindi sapat na nagsisimba ka palagi. hindi sapat na nag sa-sign of the cross ka at nag rorosaryo. hindi sapat nag ginagawa mo yung mga pine-prescribe nang rehiliyon mo. hindi ko sinasabing hindi mo yun dapat gawin, ang sinasabi ko lang, hindi yun sapat. parang dun sa party, hindi sapat na pumunta ka at maki-kain, dapat nakabihis pang party ka rin. dapat, hindi ka lang kristyano sa pagdadasal, pagsisimba at kung ano-ano pang mga ritwal pang kristyano. dapat kristyano ka rin tignan. dapat pag nakita ka nang mga tao, malalaman nila sa aura mo na kristyano ko. na dapat, sa lahat ng ginagawa mo sa buhay, nakikita yung tatak nang pagiging kristyano. na dapat, kasabay ng mga ritwal, yung sariling pag-karga ng kanya-kanyang krus.

tangina, sobrang hirap naman nun lord. sabi ko sa sarili ko, actually, pwede rin kay god. nasa tricycle ako nun eh. ang hirap naman nun, ibabandera ko yung rehiliyon ko? eh baka wala nang maging katoliko dahil ayaw nilang magaya sakin. tapos biglang naisip ko, yun na nga eh, kaya kelangan mo talagang baguhin yung image mo. shit. ang hirap naman nun. ayoko na nga. tapos biglang naimagine ko yung sarili ko sa dungeon “where there is wailing and grinding of teeth”. puta naman.

perplexed ako syempre, ayoko naman pumunta nang hell, pero anong dapat kong gawin. tumingin tingin ako sa loob ng tricycle, nakita ko yung picture ni ruffa mae na nakabikini at pinagmamalaking wala siyang fungi (at siguro rin na malaki yung boobs niya). nakangiti siya sakin habang sinasabing barya lang daw sa umaga. then it hit me. tama!

hindi naman close minded si god eh. actually, cool siya, kaya sa tingin ko, may fashion sense siya, at dahil napaka artistical niya, marunong din siyang mag-appreciate nang iba’t ibang klase ng fashion. hindi naman siguro coat and tie ang prescription niya sa party eh, basta naman siguro, the best attire you have, o pwede rin basta dun ka mag mumukhang pogi. oo nga, sa tingin ko, kahit naka bikini lang si ruffa mae, papapasukin parin naman siya sa party eh, kung dun naman talaga siya maganda diba? ganun din ata siya sakin. siguro, hindi naman niya ako gusto na ka coat or nakabarong. ako bahala sa sarili kong fashion sense basta magmukha akong pinaka pogi. ako ang bahala sa paraan nang pagpapakalat nang pagmamahal niya sa mundo. walang restrictions kung pano. basta ginagamit ko yung puso ko sa mga ginagawa ko, okey na. walang iisang paraan. iba’t ibang variations, ang importante lang dapat, pag ibig ang pinaka core ng lahat. pagibig na nang gagaling sakanya, tapos irereflect ko naman sa iba.

*dumukot ako ng ice drop sa freezer ng botika. ang lamig nang mga ice drop, kaso lang puro tunaw naman. buti nalang may isa pang naiwan na matigas. tama nga yung kasabihang, MANY ARE COLD, BUT FEW ARE FROZEN.*

i just did dumbest thing in the world. i told the truth. and it was not easy.
i sounded gay.
i sounded like shit.
now i have no face to show.

bow,

Yesterday I heard the wind. It is not the normal swoosh, it was something different, it was more like the wind had a soul. I really can’t mouth what I heard, or mimic the sound, it was different, really. It was like from someone, something, who once had feelings, so full of emotions, my mouth could not muster repeating. More than the sound, was the feeling I got after listening to the wind. I can’t understand, a ghost maybe? But it can’t be, It felt so warm. No chill or goosebumps, something I could have felt if it were a ghost that I heard. I am 100% certain, yes, it was the wind.

I could not repeat what the wind exactly told me, but I still remember the jist: The wind told me how fucked up my life is; the wind whispered how I brought up so much loneliness to myself that I project it to the whole world cosmos. I bring melancholy to the world, I was, no, still am, an agent of evil. The wind told me all those in the most warm, soothing way, as it pressed to my chest and slapped my face gently.

What did I do wrong? I asked back. I got no answer. I reapeted my question, what the fuck did I do wrong? Still, I got silence back. I repeated and repeated my question, waiting for an answer. I was intent for an answer. The wind opened up the topic, I thought, he should be polite enough to close it. But I thought wrong. The wind was indeed a bastard. The wind was silent, never answered me back. The wind did not leave, the wind was there, present. Unseen, yet I my skin could feel. You could never escape me, I threatened, yet still no answer. I punched and kicked, yet he was mum, not for anything did the wind speak again, nothing, even groans of pain from my beating did no good to squeal out something. Nada.

So I thought hard. I thought deep. I fell silent. How exactly did I fuck the my life? How indeed did I befall loneliness to myself, and in the process to the whole world? That is why for more than 24 hours now I am sitting in this blue over pass. High above the moving cars, high above the people, yet on the same spot I heard the wind. I did not eat for one day, I never felt the urge to shit. I pissed on my pants. I breathed hard the polluted air. But I did not care. I need an answer.

Then as I glanced down from my place, to alley opposite my school, to the alley divided by a bustling road, connected by the overpass were I am currently sitting, I saw her. The 100% perfect girl for me, walking fast, as if someone is running after her, or maybe she is running after someone? Or just maybe she loves to run? I don’t know, all I know was she was 100% perfect for me. But unlike Murakami, I know this girl. I know her name, I know her age, I know her number, I know her. She isn’t a faceless angel, she is the angel. Unlike Murakami, I know for sure that never will I be the 100% perfect boy for her. Never.

So there she was, the 100% perfect girl for me, running up the blue overpass. Running fast. Her speed reduced her to a blur to my now slowing eyesight. Maybe because of hunger, or maybe because of tiredness, or maybe I am just entranced by her? I do not know. But despite the blur of her figure, of her face, I visualize exactly every crevice of that blur. Despite the speed, everything about her slows down as my heart keeps pace to her unknown rush. She is 100% perfect, I thought. Yes she is. I remembered a friend telling me that she is out of my league, I don’t care. Maybe perfect is really out of my league?

Her blur grew bigger and bigger. She was coming nearer and nearer, but not towards me I thought. Yes, not towards me. She would barely notice me, now that I am full of piss, sweat and grime. No, she wouldn’t.

Second after second, the proximity grew less and less. I could smell her now. I didn’t understand, but I couldn’t look at her anymore. I had to put my head down. I can’t look at her now she is that near.

See, you are fucking up your life. I heard the wind again. I felt its sudden warmth all over me. I raised my head, trying to look for the wind, for the voice, but I saw no wind. What I saw was so shocking you would not believe me if I told you, but I am still telling you so that you may wonder. I saw time stop. The cars froze. The people walking on the streets under me where at a pause. Even she, the 100% perfect girl for me was stiff hard on her running position. Very close to me, maybe we would even rub each other if time hadn’t stopped. All was at a still except for the wind. It kept blowing and blowing. It did not talk, but it blew my hair, pat my back and spanked my ass, gently.

What the fuck?

That was all I could come up with to say. What the fuck? I was such a loser. She was in front me, frozen, paused, yet I still could not look her straight in the eye. I tried to touch her hand, it was tedious, hard for me even the world was still and no eye was on me, it was still difficult. I shook hard as I tried to stand up and level with her. I touch her left hand. I put my left hand around her waist. What was I thinking? We were like in a dancing position. We were so close to each other I could feel her chest now. Supple, just I expected. Warm, despite her being frozen in time. I held my ear to her heart, no beating. Only the swoosh of the wind banging us, trying to pass between us, but I didn’t let it. I held her tight. Yet despite the closeness, I couldn’t look at her eyes. I can’t. No, I should. Praying for strength and all the will of the world, I raised my eyes and locked it with hers. It was the first time I saw those eyes. Her eyes were very tired. Very tired. A second passed, then another, then the third. I was getting the hand of it when on the 7th second, I heard the banging of the wind no more. The swooshes were replaced by honks and engine. I shuddered. The tired eyes I gazed upon moved. The waist I wrapped around expanded. The hand I clutched moved. I was afraid she would scream, but she did not. She just looked back at my eyes blankly. Nothing. She let go of my hand and wriggled her waist to loosen my arm wrapped on it. Then she continued her rush. After 8 steps she looked back. I didn’t know what to say. We stared for a while to each other. I lost, I can’t hold my gaze. What the fuck, I whisperd. She heard it, I think, because she swung her head, puzzled. But did not say a word. She continued to walk away. Now going down the blue over pass to my school, to her school too.

Should I have talked to her? What could have I said? That she was the 100% perfect girl for me? That I don’t care if she was out my league because perfect was really not within my reach? Fuck. What the fuck.

were shadows are crumpled
in a chaotic blur

were dark is
and dark was
and will ever will be

hidden, blocked,
alone, silent

and lost upon
exposure;
hidden from light,

striving in the deep,
feeding from moans
and gratitudes unsaid

Leaving everything behind,
On top of summits, were
Valor is left
Extinguished.

the new me

1.) listening to all my classes specially organic chem and calculus; psychology, economics and socio-anthro

2.) less emotions more head, haha, not emo!

3.) i’m not mad, just don’t want to get hooked again *and more reasons*.

4.) milk tea addict

5.) official geek&&nerd inside out

bad trip

playing with moments,
unknown notes of grief;
love awoken;
and questions underneath,

resurfaced.
like dust making its way,
surfing the wind,
finding solace,
in the puddle of apathy.

a shadow it is,
of varying length,
and ebony,
all upon light’s command.

still.

i had the zaniest dream.

i had a dream that i was watching a ramayana play. rama was this child that looked exactly like mogely. i don’t know if i got the spelling right, but mogely is the jungle book child. wierd. the mogely vandal with boobs on one of the econ desks really hunt me bad. there was also this hanuman, the monkey, and he has no nose. he got his nose cut off. wierd, he has the whole monkey costume and a bandage on his nose. and this mogely-rama was telling a story of his dream to the crowd with hanuman at the background. he said that his forefathers revealed to him the secret way and structure of organic compounds. his forefathers also revealed to him how to name the alkanes, aldehydes and the other compounds. his forefathers used the stars and made constellations to teach him how organic compounds work, and how he could use a good course on graph theory. then, bam! a computer appeared and mogely was programming in java. then i woke up. that was one good way to start a dull saturday.

what a fucking dream.

i am dreaming of winter
under the tropical heat.

i yearn more than hot,
or wet. i want something beyond.

i seek more than birth or death,
i search for the life in between.

i meditate on the seconds
that are squeezed in the middle

of start and end.

i dream of winter,
of falling ice, and eyes that fall.
of birds that freeze, and talking walls.

i dream of snow, i dream of chill,
i enjoy the melancholy and silent thrill,

of waiting.

waiting for the end, seeing another begin,
yet another disaster befalls,

unseen.

i just had my first homily!!! ok, semi-homily!!! hehe.. i really feel like a fully pledged priest.. in the making.. hehe.. wierd!

anyway, i am happy i had that done, rob said i sounded konyo, i think i sounded like that because i was really really nervous. talking in front of old serious people was not an easy task for me.. but i passed it, so now i call my self an SJJ!! society of jesus junior, hehe.. and you know, after my semi-mini-i-wish-it-was-a-homily, a woman came to me and wrapped her arm on my back. she told me she was a chemist too and works at the PIPAC (philippine institute of pure and applied chemistry) and that she was father schmitt’s student. she told me that if he were alive, he would have loved me, hehehe… feeling ko.. hehe.. anyway, what i said was really parallel to what the priest also said, so it was like destiny was really showing me a sign: jason.. you and the priest have parallel minds, maybe you are bound to be one to! then i went out of the chapel and walked the hallway of gonzaga, and a million cute girls just passed by me. shit, i thought. but heck, its not like i could have them, right? so what the fuck. i don’t know. but now, i know i’m happy.

ever felt you knew why there is rain?
or had the feeling that thunder just makes sense?
ever heard the music of tapping raindrops?
well i did, and it wasn’t fun.

yesterday i attented this yfc leadership thing, and of course, just like any yfc activity, there were a lot of worship songs. you know, the type of songs you raise your hands and close your eyes to. loud songs that are supposed to be cool and rockish, songs where we are supposed to feel the hype of god-touching-the-youth kind of way. so, there i was, in the middle of a god praising crowd. i was in the middle of people with there eyes closed and raised hands, people who really feel the presence of god; and with their whole hearts praise him. i was kind of lost in the crowd you know. not that i’m not used to that kind of stuff, its only that, i just didn’t feel it at that moment. yes, i could sing the lyrics of praise and thanks in my mouth, but, i just can’t feel the gratitude overflowing in me. not that im not thankful or anything, its just that i can’t feel it at that moment. i was just kind of lost. dry. fucked up.

so while feigning praising with closed eyes and raised hands, i quickly flashed a mental picture of every blessing i received in my life, thinking that by doing it, i would remember how grateful i should be, and eventually, i may feel true praise running in me. so boom, i quickly flashed in my head all the things god gave me, things that i damn well never deserved but god in all his kindness still presented me. so mental pictures came running into my head. happy pictures. pictures of blessings. then blam! your fucking mental picture popped in my head. at first, it was ok. i mean, yes. you are indeed a blessing in my life. you’re one of the things that keep me going, that keep me smile, but of course, something that i couldn’t have, but hey, your still a blessing. then i tried to think of other mental pictures. i tried to push your picture out of my head. but i can’t. you stayed there. i tried to think of other blessings, of other people who are in their own way blessings too, but they merely flash for a quarter of asecond then your picture comes clinging back. fuck, fuck, fuck.

i can’t understand. indeed you are blessing. yes, i thank god for you. but hey, don’t overrate your self too much.

wanna know how to make “friends” and get a good deal at the same time?

i went to greenhills this afternoon to buy some clothes. i am not vain or a fashion dude or anything, i’m just damned bored at home. of course, it has been my habit to pass by the chapel. it is really cool you know, i’m surrounded by all these hooded muslims then in the heart of all the moro stuff is the chapel which has a very very cool ambiance. so i asked god if he could help me get a good deal, you know. that’s what’s special about greenhills, its all about getting good deals.’

so i went to this stall that sells shirts and shoes. they sell the shirt for 200 pesos each. its was pretty cheap, so i asked the lady how much does three shirts cost. she answered me in a duh? sort of way: ‘di 600 pesos. i smirked at her, nice try i thought. i told her that i could buy her shirt anywhere at a price of 550 pesos for three pieces. then she stalled for a while, damn, i’m a pro, i didn’t bite her bluff, i motioned away, then she immediatle said: okey, sige na nga kuya, 550 na. sige na, pumili ka na dyan. i smiled at her and then i started to choose the shirts. while i was scanning through the shirts and testing the sizes, an old fat american stopped by her stall. the american got one of the leather shoes and smiled at it. you could see in his eyes that really loved it. the lady seller, sensing the opportunity to take advantage immediately went near the old american and told him: sir, that’s only 3 thousand pesos, sir. the american smiled, wow!, he said. its too cheap, he added. the lady seller smiled the largest she could make with the ends of her mouth now touching her ears. the lady seller said: go sir, choose na sir, what color you want sir. of course, me, being the herald of justice for all stepped in the picture. i would not allow a lady seller to swindle the poor old guy. so i said: miss, five hundred nalang po, sige na. the lady frowned at me: sorry boy, 550 last price. then i smiled back at her and said: alam mo naman na kaya kong sabihin sakanya na linoloko mo siya sa presyo at yang 3 thousand mo mauuwi yan sa three hundred. her eyebrows met the middle of her forehead. she immediately answered in a half-whisper: loko-loko ka boy ha, sige, 500 nalang, umalis ka na.

then there i was, walking through the stalls of greenhills with a contented smile in my face.

after an exciting yesterday, i am now stuck in the abbyss of boredom.
i can’t study.
all can do is play and eat.

waaah!!!
i hope i won’t turn into an airheaded couch potato!!!

then i asked my friend, what should i do? he told me to get an inspiration. fuck, i smirked at him.
then i knew, he just broke up with her girl friend. then he told me that love sucks. love sucks. i nodded, even though he didin’t see me.
’cause you see, we were just chatting through the net.

he told me that i was right. he told me that he was fooled by love. he was in shitty shape.

then i answered him:
you were not fooled by love, you just mistook it for something it isn’t. the worst thing about relationships are not the break-ups or endings; but the regret and the what-ifs. when you entered it, you should be ready that in the future is shall end, everything does, it is only that sometimes foolishness kicks in and martyrdom (close eyed suffering) just tries to pull things together. but hell, there is no reason to be lonely. the purpose of a relationship, or so i think, is to make the most of the moments spent together. to gather happy memories to get you through life, and even through the nasty break-up. it is all about enjoying the moment, and the will for it to last should not be prioritized, yet, of course you need to be open to its possibility.

tang ina noh? he told me.
yup. tang ina talaga. i answered.

they say if you stare long enough at the evening sky, it stares back at you. then in its stare you could see through its eyes. you would see its soul, the spirit of the universe, then you would suddenly understand. that is what they say. you would fully understand the things that bug your heart, that question your being.

recently that is what i have been doing. staring at the evening sky through my screen covered window. i have watched how the sun descended ready to scorch the land beneath. i saw how the moon terrified the ebony of doubt. i was a witness on how the stars dance in unison with the evening breeze. yes, i have seen it all, experienced it all, but in all those picturesque moments, never did the sky stare back at me. never was i able to see through the eyes of the sky, never did i see the soul of the universe. i was never given the chance to understand.

you see, all i want was an answer. an answer i thought i could get if i was patient enough. patient enough to balnkly stare at the night sky, waiting for it to stare back, or maybe a glance would do. but i failed. it kept sending unwarranted signals: shooting stars, midnight howls, cold prickling breezes, all which are good and appreciated, but not needed. not asked for. i don’t need any spectacle, or any artistic pallete, i just want to understand. not as if i was asking something difficult. i never asked if god exist, or why i am alive. my questions are simple.

i want to know why the sea inside me is in continous turbulence. i want to understand why my chest is always heavy and the lump in my throught never passes through. i want to know why my shoulders are always heavy. i want to know why my forehead is always converging in the middle. i want to know why i always think of something i could not get. maybe that is my nature, maybe its everyone’s nature, to yearn the impossible. that is why i patiently stare at the evening sky, i want to understand that nature of mine. why would i want the impossible? why would i want angels if i could settle with mascots, or lifeless figurines? why would i choose heart felt laughter when i could freely buy cheap smiles? why would i like.. never mind, the list of questions never end. yet all i want is an answer. an answer that could be a yes or a no. but being human as i am, i do not prefer a yes or a no, i rather go for the middle, the conditional, the negotiable path. straight absolute truth is terrifying most of the times.

again, i stare at the midnight sky, yet it never stared back. how long would i wait. how long should i hope for a single glance?

in the world you will have trouble, but take courage, i have conquered the world.

i really like that parting sentence, it’s like a punk song ending or something. but it really hits, its a sentence you would like to have posted on your t-shirt. not so i’m-god-loving-and-all-to-good-so-i-grow-wings-at night, its more of like gandalf talking to frodo or dumbledor to harry, or better yet, ramones singing to millions of teens. i really like it. its the perfect farewell message you see. it is all too honest. it never promised rainbows and chocolate rivers, yet it plainy states that the world is indeed full of shit. its not some GP message for keeping the smiles of the children of the world, but a message to warn, maybe even instill fear, a message of sharp bitter truth. then after expicitly stating the world that they are to face, he says: take courage. you see, we are not treated like weaklings by god, he has total respect to our abilities. he believes that indeed we could be brave, if we choose to. not only ego inflating and testosterone pumping, but also so fatherly endearing. then the message ends with: i have conquered the world. the world may be full of shit, it may be scary as hell, but in all its might and monstrocity, it already lost, to him. i think his message could be prolonged with the addition of two words: i have conquered the world [for you]. so what is more to fear? the world’s monstrocity has lost to him already once, and it is not a problem for him beating it again for us.

*ang ganda ng lyrics ng brigther than sunshine ng aqualung.. search niyo! DL niyo!*