another faceless existence

kanina habang nag rorosaryo ako, may kumatok sa pintuan. naasar ako ng konti, nawala ako sa momentum, pero wala akong magagawa. pag bukas ko, may sumalubong sakin na bata, ‘kuya, angelus na’. nagulat ako. si jose. na-miss ko siya. bihira na kasi akong umuwi ng bahay bago mag ala-sais. kaya nakakatuwa na pagkatapos ng matagal na panahong hindi namin pagkikita, naaalala niya parin ang aming 6pm rendevouz. nakakatuwa talaga. (mas makikilala ang batang ito sa mas naunang kong post: http://templatepersonality.wordpress.com/2008/05/28/an-afternoon-with-a-good-friend/ ) ayun na nga, natapos namin yung angelus, tapos tumingin siya sa hawak-hawak ko. ano yan? sabi niya. rosary, sagot ko naman. nagdadasal ka ba? tanong niya ulit. oo, bkit? sagot ko naman ulit. turuan mo ako. sabi niya. whaw. sabi ko sa loob-loob ko. tatagal kaya ito? pero syempre, tinuloy ko yung pagtuturo sa kanya. inaasahan ko, simula palang ma-bobore na siya, pero hindi. mukhang nageenjoy siya. sa bawa’t glorious mystery, may picture akong pinapatitigan sakanya habang nag dadasal, para mas lalo niyang ma-gets. pag dating sa third mystery, descent of the holy spirit upon mary and the apostles, bigla niyang tinanong kung anong nangyayari. sinagot ko naman na bumaba ang holy spirit dun kila mary para maging matapang sila at matalino. napatingin siya sakin, tumalino sila? tanong niya. tumango naman ako. kuya, may holy spirit ka rin ba?

OHMHIGHAS! napatigil ako. anong sasabihin ko? meron nga rin ba ako? di nga ako sigurado kung nasa state of grace ako eh.. tapos biglang nag flash back ang gospel ngayong araw: You are like whitewashed tombs, which appear beautiful in the outside, but inside are full of dead men’s bones and every kind of filth!

be true to oneself. magpakatotoo sa sarili. anong ibig sabihin nun? bawal mag pakitang tao? bawal maging mukhang mabait? hindi dapat tumulong sa ibang tao kung napipilitan lang? ibig sabihin ba nun, kung masama ka, wag ka nang gumawa ng mabuti? ano? pinagisipan ko yun nung pag alis niya. pano nga ba mag paka totoo sa sarili?

may mga taong madadamot, mainitin ang ulo, may mga bastos, ang ibig sabihin ba nun hindi na sila pwedeng mag pakitang tao man lang, kahit paminsan-minsan? hindi ba na mas mabuti nang ganun para kahit paminsan-minsan nakakagawa rin sila ng tama? anong ibig sabihin ng woe to you hypocrites? tapos naisip ko yung experiment namin nung tuesday: multi step synthesis of aspirin. baka ganun din sa pag papakatoto. kelangan din multi step.

boom! multistep synthesis of one’s true self.

una, kelangan aminin muna sa sarili ang kagaguhang umiiral sa pagkatao. kelangan malaman ito at tanggapin ng buong puso. sa tingin ko ito ang unang step, at ito rin yung step kung saan maraming tao ang nastu-stuck, ako rin ata, dito na sa-stuck eh. ako kasi, alam ko yung mga kakupalan ko, inaamin ko yun sa sarili ko, tanggap kong ganun ako, tapos hanggang dun nalang ako. hindi na ako umuusad, kaya hanggang ngayon, gago parin ako. linoloko ko yung sarili ko sa pagiisip na: “nagpapakatotoo” lang naman ako eh, kaya ako gago. asa. tamad lang ako umusad sa next step.

pangalawa, tanggapin na hindi “pure” ang tunay na pagkatao. hindi ako naniniwalang tunay na dalisay ang pagkatao ng bawa’t isa, siguro totoo yun sa mga taong hindi exposed sa internet, sa TV, sa video games, sa MTV, hehe, pero ako exposed ako dun, at alam kong yurak na ang “tunay” kong pagkatao. hindi dapat lokohin ang sariling hindi naman talaga ikaw ang mga masasamang bagay na iyong ginagawa. isang malaking kahibangan yun. lahat ng masama mong ginagawa, at epekto sa iba ay tanging repleksyon ng iyong pagkatao. nakakagago yun tanggapin. pero ganun talaga.

pangatlo, kelangan tanggapin sa sarili na hindi okey ang lahat. laging maririnig ang ganitong dahilan: wala ka nang mgagawa, ganito talaga ako, masaya naman ako eh, bakit ako magbabago? isa rin yang malaking pagsisinungaling sa sarili. sinasabi mo lang yan kasi mas madaling tanggapin na masaya ka na. na hindi na kelangan ng pagbabago, kasi okey ka na. sinasabi mo lang yan kasi mahirap tanggapin ang katotohanang hindi ka masaya sa pagkatao mo ngayon, na sa totoo lang nagagago ka sa mga masama mong nagagawa at sa mga epekto nito sa iba at pati na rin sa sarili. oo, mahirap ‘to kasi dito, kelangan mong tapakan yung sarili mong pride. kelangan mo tanggapin na hindi perpekto ang estado mo ngayon. hindi yun madali. pero kelangan. kasi ito ang tanging paraan para makapunta sa susunod na hakbang.

pang-apat, papasukin ang ligaya. naniniwala akong iba’t-iba ang pagkatao ng bawa’t isa, naniniwala rin akong maaring magkakaiba ang katotohanan sa bawa’t isa, ngunit naininiwala rin ako sa isang katotohanang alam kong laganap sa lahat: ang katotohanan ng ligaya, at ang katotohanang lahat ng tao, ako at ikaw, ito ang hinahanap. nakarating ka sa hakbang na ito, ibig sabihin ngayon, alam mo nang hindi ka okey. alam mong may kulang sa buhay mo, at yang pagtanggap na yan ang nagbukas sayo sa ligaya. dahil alam mo nang butas ka, alam mo nang kaya mong papasukin ang ligaya sa sarili mo, kelang mo lang siyang tanggapin at papasukin. pano? hindi ko alam. ano bang pinaka nagpapaligaya sayo? mas maayos sigurong tanong, sino ang mga nagpapaligaya sayo? sila ang mga taong nagpapaligaya sayo ngunit unti-unti mo naman tinataboy dahil sa mga dati mong illusyon ng iyong pagkatao. sino? kasi ngayon, alam mo nang kupal ka at alam mo naring kelangan talaga ng pagbabago ang tunay na ikaw, kaya maitatakwil mo na ang ang pagkatao mong puno ng kagaguhan. kasi ngayon, nakikita mo na kung ano talaga ang mahalaga. diba? ngayon kasi nakikita mo na ang pagkataong lihim nang inaasam ng iyong kaluluwa, isang pagkataong matagal mo nang tinatanggi, diba? alam mo nang ang pagkataong hangad mo’y di talaga kumplikado, at matagal nang nasayo. sa totoo nga’y sobrang payak lamang nito eh: isa ka lamang pakete nang pagmamahal. oo, sa tingin ko ikaw yan pagkatapos hilurin lahat ng illusyon at pagsisinungaling. isa ka lamang simpleng pakete ng pagmamahal na bukas sa ligaya at sa ibang tao. isa ka lang love-bag, in the most innocent sense.. actually, pwede rin in the not so innocent eh… hehehe…

sa madaling salita, ang makikita mo rin sa rurok ng iyong paghahanap sa iyong tunay na pagkatao ay ang iyong puso. makikita mong ang pinakamalalim na ikaw, ay ang pagkatao mong marunong ngumiti, ang pagkatao mong yumayakap sa iba, ang pagkatao mong nagmamahal.

gustong gusto ko talaga si jose. lagi niya akong pinapa-isip.

many are called but few are chosen. gospel yan ngayon. nagtawag daw yun hari ng isang feast, tapos walang pumunta sa mga inimbita niya kaya tumawag nalang siya ng iba, inimbita niya yung mga strangers. andami niyang inimbita sa feast niya, sobrang short notice, pero dahil kainan yun, syempre marami-rami parin yung pumunta. tapos sa gitna nang feast, may nakita yung hari na hindi naka party attire. naasar siya. pinakulong niya yung lalaking hindi naka party attire.

ang wierd nang hari noh? short notice lang eh, kaya malay mo, kaya hindi nakapaghanda yung lalaki, buti nga pumunta pa eh. pero kung titignan mo nang mas malalim, anong ibig sabihin nun para sakin?

nahirapan akong maghanap nang sarili kong kahulugan para sa parable na yun eh. kasi yung mga naiisip ko, sinermon na nang pari. ayoko naman na wala akong originality. nasabi ko na ba yun? pag may nagustuhan kasi akong stuff sa bible, gusto ko, may unique meaning siya para sakin, or at least, isang kahulugan na cliche man, hindi pa nasasabi sakin.

para sakin, ang ibig sabihin nung parable na yun, hindi sapat na mag karoon ka nang rehiliyon. hindi sapat na nagsisimba ka palagi. hindi sapat na nag sa-sign of the cross ka at nag rorosaryo. hindi sapat nag ginagawa mo yung mga pine-prescribe nang rehiliyon mo. hindi ko sinasabing hindi mo yun dapat gawin, ang sinasabi ko lang, hindi yun sapat. parang dun sa party, hindi sapat na pumunta ka at maki-kain, dapat nakabihis pang party ka rin. dapat, hindi ka lang kristyano sa pagdadasal, pagsisimba at kung ano-ano pang mga ritwal pang kristyano. dapat kristyano ka rin tignan. dapat pag nakita ka nang mga tao, malalaman nila sa aura mo na kristyano ko. na dapat, sa lahat ng ginagawa mo sa buhay, nakikita yung tatak nang pagiging kristyano. na dapat, kasabay ng mga ritwal, yung sariling pag-karga ng kanya-kanyang krus.

tangina, sobrang hirap naman nun lord. sabi ko sa sarili ko, actually, pwede rin kay god. nasa tricycle ako nun eh. ang hirap naman nun, ibabandera ko yung rehiliyon ko? eh baka wala nang maging katoliko dahil ayaw nilang magaya sakin. tapos biglang naisip ko, yun na nga eh, kaya kelangan mo talagang baguhin yung image mo. shit. ang hirap naman nun. ayoko na nga. tapos biglang naimagine ko yung sarili ko sa dungeon “where there is wailing and grinding of teeth”. puta naman.

perplexed ako syempre, ayoko naman pumunta nang hell, pero anong dapat kong gawin. tumingin tingin ako sa loob ng tricycle, nakita ko yung picture ni ruffa mae na nakabikini at pinagmamalaking wala siyang fungi (at siguro rin na malaki yung boobs niya). nakangiti siya sakin habang sinasabing barya lang daw sa umaga. then it hit me. tama!

hindi naman close minded si god eh. actually, cool siya, kaya sa tingin ko, may fashion sense siya, at dahil napaka artistical niya, marunong din siyang mag-appreciate nang iba’t ibang klase ng fashion. hindi naman siguro coat and tie ang prescription niya sa party eh, basta naman siguro, the best attire you have, o pwede rin basta dun ka mag mumukhang pogi. oo nga, sa tingin ko, kahit naka bikini lang si ruffa mae, papapasukin parin naman siya sa party eh, kung dun naman talaga siya maganda diba? ganun din ata siya sakin. siguro, hindi naman niya ako gusto na ka coat or nakabarong. ako bahala sa sarili kong fashion sense basta magmukha akong pinaka pogi. ako ang bahala sa paraan nang pagpapakalat nang pagmamahal niya sa mundo. walang restrictions kung pano. basta ginagamit ko yung puso ko sa mga ginagawa ko, okey na. walang iisang paraan. iba’t ibang variations, ang importante lang dapat, pag ibig ang pinaka core ng lahat. pagibig na nang gagaling sakanya, tapos irereflect ko naman sa iba.

*dumukot ako ng ice drop sa freezer ng botika. ang lamig nang mga ice drop, kaso lang puro tunaw naman. buti nalang may isa pang naiwan na matigas. tama nga yung kasabihang, MANY ARE COLD, BUT FEW ARE FROZEN.*

i just did dumbest thing in the world. i told the truth. and it was not easy.
i sounded gay.
i sounded like shit.
now i have no face to show.

bow,

Yesterday I heard the wind. It is not the normal swoosh, it was something different, it was more like the wind had a soul. I really can’t mouth what I heard, or mimic the sound, it was different, really. It was like from someone, something, who once had feelings, so full of emotions, my mouth could not muster repeating. More than the sound, was the feeling I got after listening to the wind. I can’t understand, a ghost maybe? But it can’t be, It felt so warm. No chill or goosebumps, something I could have felt if it were a ghost that I heard. I am 100% certain, yes, it was the wind.

I could not repeat what the wind exactly told me, but I still remember the jist: The wind told me how fucked up my life is; the wind whispered how I brought up so much loneliness to myself that I project it to the whole world cosmos. I bring melancholy to the world, I was, no, still am, an agent of evil. The wind told me all those in the most warm, soothing way, as it pressed to my chest and slapped my face gently.

What did I do wrong? I asked back. I got no answer. I reapeted my question, what the fuck did I do wrong? Still, I got silence back. I repeated and repeated my question, waiting for an answer. I was intent for an answer. The wind opened up the topic, I thought, he should be polite enough to close it. But I thought wrong. The wind was indeed a bastard. The wind was silent, never answered me back. The wind did not leave, the wind was there, present. Unseen, yet I my skin could feel. You could never escape me, I threatened, yet still no answer. I punched and kicked, yet he was mum, not for anything did the wind speak again, nothing, even groans of pain from my beating did no good to squeal out something. Nada.

So I thought hard. I thought deep. I fell silent. How exactly did I fuck the my life? How indeed did I befall loneliness to myself, and in the process to the whole world? That is why for more than 24 hours now I am sitting in this blue over pass. High above the moving cars, high above the people, yet on the same spot I heard the wind. I did not eat for one day, I never felt the urge to shit. I pissed on my pants. I breathed hard the polluted air. But I did not care. I need an answer.

Then as I glanced down from my place, to alley opposite my school, to the alley divided by a bustling road, connected by the overpass were I am currently sitting, I saw her. The 100% perfect girl for me, walking fast, as if someone is running after her, or maybe she is running after someone? Or just maybe she loves to run? I don’t know, all I know was she was 100% perfect for me. But unlike Murakami, I know this girl. I know her name, I know her age, I know her number, I know her. She isn’t a faceless angel, she is the angel. Unlike Murakami, I know for sure that never will I be the 100% perfect boy for her. Never.

So there she was, the 100% perfect girl for me, running up the blue overpass. Running fast. Her speed reduced her to a blur to my now slowing eyesight. Maybe because of hunger, or maybe because of tiredness, or maybe I am just entranced by her? I do not know. But despite the blur of her figure, of her face, I visualize exactly every crevice of that blur. Despite the speed, everything about her slows down as my heart keeps pace to her unknown rush. She is 100% perfect, I thought. Yes she is. I remembered a friend telling me that she is out of my league, I don’t care. Maybe perfect is really out of my league?

Her blur grew bigger and bigger. She was coming nearer and nearer, but not towards me I thought. Yes, not towards me. She would barely notice me, now that I am full of piss, sweat and grime. No, she wouldn’t.

Second after second, the proximity grew less and less. I could smell her now. I didn’t understand, but I couldn’t look at her anymore. I had to put my head down. I can’t look at her now she is that near.

See, you are fucking up your life. I heard the wind again. I felt its sudden warmth all over me. I raised my head, trying to look for the wind, for the voice, but I saw no wind. What I saw was so shocking you would not believe me if I told you, but I am still telling you so that you may wonder. I saw time stop. The cars froze. The people walking on the streets under me where at a pause. Even she, the 100% perfect girl for me was stiff hard on her running position. Very close to me, maybe we would even rub each other if time hadn’t stopped. All was at a still except for the wind. It kept blowing and blowing. It did not talk, but it blew my hair, pat my back and spanked my ass, gently.

What the fuck?

That was all I could come up with to say. What the fuck? I was such a loser. She was in front me, frozen, paused, yet I still could not look her straight in the eye. I tried to touch her hand, it was tedious, hard for me even the world was still and no eye was on me, it was still difficult. I shook hard as I tried to stand up and level with her. I touch her left hand. I put my left hand around her waist. What was I thinking? We were like in a dancing position. We were so close to each other I could feel her chest now. Supple, just I expected. Warm, despite her being frozen in time. I held my ear to her heart, no beating. Only the swoosh of the wind banging us, trying to pass between us, but I didn’t let it. I held her tight. Yet despite the closeness, I couldn’t look at her eyes. I can’t. No, I should. Praying for strength and all the will of the world, I raised my eyes and locked it with hers. It was the first time I saw those eyes. Her eyes were very tired. Very tired. A second passed, then another, then the third. I was getting the hand of it when on the 7th second, I heard the banging of the wind no more. The swooshes were replaced by honks and engine. I shuddered. The tired eyes I gazed upon moved. The waist I wrapped around expanded. The hand I clutched moved. I was afraid she would scream, but she did not. She just looked back at my eyes blankly. Nothing. She let go of my hand and wriggled her waist to loosen my arm wrapped on it. Then she continued her rush. After 8 steps she looked back. I didn’t know what to say. We stared for a while to each other. I lost, I can’t hold my gaze. What the fuck, I whisperd. She heard it, I think, because she swung her head, puzzled. But did not say a word. She continued to walk away. Now going down the blue over pass to my school, to her school too.

Should I have talked to her? What could have I said? That she was the 100% perfect girl for me? That I don’t care if she was out my league because perfect was really not within my reach? Fuck. What the fuck.

were shadows are crumpled
in a chaotic blur

were dark is
and dark was
and will ever will be

hidden, blocked,
alone, silent

and lost upon
exposure;
hidden from light,

striving in the deep,
feeding from moans
and gratitudes unsaid

Leaving everything behind,
On top of summits, were
Valor is left
Extinguished.

the new me

1.) listening to all my classes specially organic chem and calculus; psychology, economics and socio-anthro

2.) less emotions more head, haha, not emo!

3.) i’m not mad, just don’t want to get hooked again *and more reasons*.

4.) milk tea addict

5.) official geek&&nerd inside out

bad trip

playing with moments,
unknown notes of grief;
love awoken;
and questions underneath,

resurfaced.
like dust making its way,
surfing the wind,
finding solace,
in the puddle of apathy.

a shadow it is,
of varying length,
and ebony,
all upon light’s command.

still.

i had the zaniest dream.

i had a dream that i was watching a ramayana play. rama was this child that looked exactly like mogely. i don’t know if i got the spelling right, but mogely is the jungle book child. wierd. the mogely vandal with boobs on one of the econ desks really hunt me bad. there was also this hanuman, the monkey, and he has no nose. he got his nose cut off. wierd, he has the whole monkey costume and a bandage on his nose. and this mogely-rama was telling a story of his dream to the crowd with hanuman at the background. he said that his forefathers revealed to him the secret way and structure of organic compounds. his forefathers also revealed to him how to name the alkanes, aldehydes and the other compounds. his forefathers used the stars and made constellations to teach him how organic compounds work, and how he could use a good course on graph theory. then, bam! a computer appeared and mogely was programming in java. then i woke up. that was one good way to start a dull saturday.

what a fucking dream.

i am dreaming of winter
under the tropical heat.

i yearn more than hot,
or wet. i want something beyond.

i seek more than birth or death,
i search for the life in between.

i meditate on the seconds
that are squeezed in the middle

of start and end.

i dream of winter,
of falling ice, and eyes that fall.
of birds that freeze, and talking walls.

i dream of snow, i dream of chill,
i enjoy the melancholy and silent thrill,

of waiting.

waiting for the end, seeing another begin,
yet another disaster befalls,

unseen.

i just had my first homily!!! ok, semi-homily!!! hehe.. i really feel like a fully pledged priest.. in the making.. hehe.. wierd!

anyway, i am happy i had that done, rob said i sounded konyo, i think i sounded like that because i was really really nervous. talking in front of old serious people was not an easy task for me.. but i passed it, so now i call my self an SJJ!! society of jesus junior, hehe.. and you know, after my semi-mini-i-wish-it-was-a-homily, a woman came to me and wrapped her arm on my back. she told me she was a chemist too and works at the PIPAC (philippine institute of pure and applied chemistry) and that she was father schmitt’s student. she told me that if he were alive, he would have loved me, hehehe… feeling ko.. hehe.. anyway, what i said was really parallel to what the priest also said, so it was like destiny was really showing me a sign: jason.. you and the priest have parallel minds, maybe you are bound to be one to! then i went out of the chapel and walked the hallway of gonzaga, and a million cute girls just passed by me. shit, i thought. but heck, its not like i could have them, right? so what the fuck. i don’t know. but now, i know i’m happy.

ever felt you knew why there is rain?
or had the feeling that thunder just makes sense?
ever heard the music of tapping raindrops?
well i did, and it wasn’t fun.

yesterday i attented this yfc leadership thing, and of course, just like any yfc activity, there were a lot of worship songs. you know, the type of songs you raise your hands and close your eyes to. loud songs that are supposed to be cool and rockish, songs where we are supposed to feel the hype of god-touching-the-youth kind of way. so, there i was, in the middle of a god praising crowd. i was in the middle of people with there eyes closed and raised hands, people who really feel the presence of god; and with their whole hearts praise him. i was kind of lost in the crowd you know. not that i’m not used to that kind of stuff, its only that, i just didn’t feel it at that moment. yes, i could sing the lyrics of praise and thanks in my mouth, but, i just can’t feel the gratitude overflowing in me. not that im not thankful or anything, its just that i can’t feel it at that moment. i was just kind of lost. dry. fucked up.

so while feigning praising with closed eyes and raised hands, i quickly flashed a mental picture of every blessing i received in my life, thinking that by doing it, i would remember how grateful i should be, and eventually, i may feel true praise running in me. so boom, i quickly flashed in my head all the things god gave me, things that i damn well never deserved but god in all his kindness still presented me. so mental pictures came running into my head. happy pictures. pictures of blessings. then blam! your fucking mental picture popped in my head. at first, it was ok. i mean, yes. you are indeed a blessing in my life. you’re one of the things that keep me going, that keep me smile, but of course, something that i couldn’t have, but hey, your still a blessing. then i tried to think of other mental pictures. i tried to push your picture out of my head. but i can’t. you stayed there. i tried to think of other blessings, of other people who are in their own way blessings too, but they merely flash for a quarter of asecond then your picture comes clinging back. fuck, fuck, fuck.

i can’t understand. indeed you are blessing. yes, i thank god for you. but hey, don’t overrate your self too much.