wala Akong pera kaya ibebenta Ko nalang ang kidney ng nanay Ko

Sigurado ka ba sa gagawin mo?

Tandaan mong hindi mo na matatahi ang mukha ko
O ang suso ko,
O ang puson ko. (wag mong kalimutan diyan ka rin nanggaling)

Hindi mo na uli’t maririnig ang kanta ko
Kung biniyak na ang labi ko at pinasirit ang
Halo ng lipstick-at-dugo;
Hindi mo na mararamdaman ang himas-pampatulog
pag kinalas na ang mga daliri
kong pinamanicure ko pa naman. (para sana sayo)
Wala na. Tandaan mo yan.

Ibebenta mo ang atay ko, ang kidney ko,
Ang kalamnan ko, ang bituka ko, ang matress ko (wag mong kalimutan diyan ka rin nanggaling)
Ang baga ko, ang puso ko, ang utak ko, ang retina ko,
Ang puke ko, ang buhok ko, ang kuko ko, ang dila ko
Lahat ng laman ko, Maibebenta mo. Pero tandaan mong hindi ako manika.
Hindi mo na ulit ako matatahi pa.

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newton’s third law

a

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vulnerability

nagpapagupit ako kahapon. sa may pagupitan sa may katipunan. hindi kasi ako umuwi kahapon para mag aral. pero nung nakatambay ako sa dorm, naisip kong, hmm.. pagupit muna ako. kaya ayun, nagpagupit ako.

ginupitan ako ng barbero. astig siya. hindi siya madaldal, at sumusunod siya sa instructions. pwede. pero hindi tungkol sakanya ang kwento ko, hindi rin ito tungkol sa buhok ko, kundi sa dalawang bading sa likod ko.

habang nagpapagupit ako may dalawang bading na nagkwekwentuhan sa likod ko. malungkot yung isang bading, hiniwalayan ng boyfriend, yung isa naman, bilang isang mabuting kaibigan, kino-console siya. noong una, kala ko, ‘tangina, nakaktawa tong pakinggan, laugh trip toh’ sa isip-isip ko. pero hindi pala. gagi, lakas ng dating ng mga sinabi nila. excerpt ito sa usapan nila:

bading 1: mare, tanginang mga lalaki yan
bading 2: ganun talaga sila mare
bading 1: isipin mo, ipagpapalit nalang ako, sa tsaka pang babae!
bading 2: ganun talaga, ang lalake, ang hanap talaga niyan babae, kahit gaano pa ka tsaka.
bading 1: pero, masaya naman kami eh, lahat naman binibigay ko sakanya
bading 2: bakla, tanggapin mo na ang katotohanan, pansamantalang aliw lang talaga tayo, panandalian, walang pagibig sa atin na tatagal. wala kang ibang magagawa kundi tanggapin.
bading 1: ok lang naman mare, nakuha ko naman gusto ko sakanya…
bading 2: sigurado ka ba na yun lang ang gusto mo sakanya?
bading 1: puta naman mare, putang ina nila…
bading 2: ganun talaga, panandalian. i-mura mo nalang bakla, baka sakaling mabawasan…
bading 1: bahala siya, marami pang papa diyan!
bading 2: ewan ko sayo bakla

galing noh? nakakagago man isipin, pero na-awa ako sa bading. alam mo yun, nakakalungkot isipin na tanggap na nila na walang pag ibig sa kanilang tatagal. na panandalian lang. na walang lalake para sa kanila. walang mag mamahal sa kanila ng tunay. tangina.

napaisip ako. hindi ko sinasabing bading ako ah, napaisip lang ako kung sino ang character ko sa dalawang bading… si bading 1 ba o si bading 2? ako ba yung natalo, nabigo at nasaktan pero tanga parin para maniwala at mag risk? o ako ba si bading 2 na natuto, cynical at walang pag asa? ano ba ang mas mabuti? maniwala at masaktan, o matuto at umiwas? ito kasi yung mga bagay na wala kang panalo eh. alam mo yun, parang chicken and egg. will you make yourself vulnerable or just put a wall around you? hirap noh? pero alam mo kung anong mas mahirap dun? yung maging kristyano ka, pero cynical ka parin. gets mo? kasi hindi sinasabing pag kristyano ka, wala kang talo, hindi ibig sabihin nun hindi ka masasaktan, alam mo kung ano lang ang ginagarantiya ng pagiging kristyano at paniniwala kay jesus? na love pays. oo. yun lang. yun lang naman ang mensahe ni jesus, sang lupalop ka man ng mundo. lalaki ka man, babae, bading o tomboy. love pays. isang mensahe para sa lahat, isang assurance sa mga taong tanga na patuloy na ginagawang vulnerable ang sarili nila. isang assurance na may patutunguhan lahat ng sakit mo. kaya kung kristyano ka, at cynical ka parin, hindi ba balintuna yun? hindi ba katangahan yun? nangako na nga yung diyos mo eh. ang pangyayari tuloy, para kang hinahatak sa dalawang poste nun. hindi yun pwede. its either you lose your religion, or lose your armor. i rather choose the latter.

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calm mind

continuation toh nung huli kong post. tungkol toh sa bisita sa bahay na seminarista. yung tanginang seminaristang wala namang ginawa saking masama pero napipikon ako kasi naaalala ko yung putang inang kaaway ko. anyway, yun nga. umalis na siya ng bahay. at nung wala na siya, napaisip-isip ako. tama ba yung ginawa ko? tama lang ba yung reaction ko?

naalala ko tuloy si luke at si yoda. minsan kasi, natanong ni luke kay yoda, “how would i know what is right?” tapos sumagot si yoda in a very insightful manner, “you would know young look. if calm is your mind, know would you wrong from right.” at oo nga, tama siya. ngayong maayos na yung pagiisip ko. ngayong wala yung mukha niya sa harap ko. naisip ko nang mali ako. mali akong mag ka prejudice sa kanya. hindi naman siya ang kaaway ko. kaparehas niya lang. anyway, ang point, consumed by anger ako. sobra. at inis. at asar. at sobra ko kasing sullen. haay. anyway, ang point, tapos na. may magagawa pa ba ako? ewan. happy new year!

//oo nga pala, may laptop na ako! hp siya. hahaha, nakakatawa kasi multimedia laptop siya. malaki ang screen. for movies and games!!! hehehe… merry christmas and a happy new year!

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prejudice.

now i understand what it is to be a racist. now i feel what they feel. i am an obnoxious mix of anger and prejudice. i am a monster. i thought i could never be like them, those who judge, those who can’t see beyond, well, it kind of hit me in the face really hard. i am already one of them.

this morning, my ninang, a nun told me that a missionary was going to stay in my place. yes in my place. and guess what, not an ordinary missionary, a CICM missionary. the breed of my foe. the breed of the monster who ticked the devil in me. i could not say no. how could i? but deep within me is a storm. a very, very strong storm. a CICM missionary! damn, his ugly black face just pops in my head every time. damn. i am filled with anger. hatred. for fucks sake, he was the monster who killed and destroyed me. and he was a CICM.

then a knock. i opened. he faced me. a boy. yes, a boy maybe a year or two older than me. very innocent face, even bordering in ignorance. if it was a year or two ago, i would have welcomed him in with utmost warmth, but not now. not now. i am filled with hate, anger to his kind. i know, it may be somewhat over acting, that was what i thought about those white purist, but fuck. when hate hits you bad, you get blinded. you get blinded that you never see the real person anymore, but only his kind, his kind that once fucked you up bad. now all you have is hate. yes, hate.

up to know, he is watching in my fucking tv, sitting in my fucking bed, and i have not exchange words with him yet. i can’t. i am weak. i can’t go beyond. fuck. shit.

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doraemon, luke skywalker, hannah montana

have you ever felt the world tell you something? the feeling you get when the whole world conspires just to deliver you a single message? well, that happened to me yesterday. christmas eve. the first herald? doraemon. i was inside the jeepney, alone, for my last minute christmas errands when doraemon was playing inside the jeepney’s mini tv. of course i watched. i love doraemon. i love the 22nd century robotic cat who has the deepest pocket ever. so what was the show about? the magic gloves. when you use it, you can’t lose a fight. so of course novita used the gloves in order to beat the hell out of his foe, damulag. but he did not succeed. he never found damulag. instead he ended up fighting doraemon. the next herald? starwars. i had my second starwars marathon in my life time, and guess what, up to now, i still have the hots for princess leia. hehehe. anyway, what spoke to me most was the battle between the emperor, luke and darth vader. there were two strong siths, how did luke win? he did not succumb to the dark side. he did not let anger, agression and fear get the best of him. he did not kill his father, darth vader. instead, he just tried to sway him back to the good side of the force. and guess what, he won. i know, its pretty boring, but hey, that was george lucas’ idea. anyway, that was the second voice shouting. this christmas, me and my cousin got addicted to hannah montana. yes, i admit, so gay. but it is really really funny, and lilly is cute. hehehe. so as you guest it, hannah montana was the next herald. her words where: never fight fire with fire, because you would only make it bigger and get burnt. again, gay. but i just have the feeling of it shouting to me.

three messages in one day. fighting is useless. don’t succumb to anger, agression and fear. don’t fight fire with fire. so hey, okey dude up there, i think i get your point. its christmas, a time to forgive. sucky forgiveness, but its already doraemon talking to me?! how can i say no? so what the hell. right then, i rushed to st. peter’s parish to get a decent christmas confession.

what i learned?

i should love my mom not because she is perfect, but because she is my mom. i should love not out of her deserving it, but just for the sake of love. for the sake of god’s forgiveness. fuck. fuck. fuck. how can i do that when she fucked me up so bad? but what the hell? i should not succumb to the dark side. i should not be seduced by anger, agression and fear because it eats me, whole until i am but a zombie ruled by those three negativities. but, still, its difficult. but hey, its christmas. damn. i don’t know. wtf? hmm.. but its doraemon, luke and hannah, could i still say no?? could i? ok, i’ll give it a try at least. at least this christmas season.

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freedom links

when the (unsure) shadows
start (to) eat the light of truth

and the scars of stolen moments
start bleeding (again);

when the lump in your throat
just makes it so hard to breathe

and the beat of your lies looses its tune;
(making the dance of life impossible)

just remember that i am (so) far apart

so far apart that i (can’t) hear you scream
so far that i can’t even see your flowing hair
or your (sly) soul get ripped to pieces

so far (apart)

free from (the tangles of) your bind
emancipated from (the weight of) your smile
and (the enchanment of) your stare

so far apart to save you
to save myself
to see me drown in agony
of loosing my suffering (joy), because i am

afraid. lost. innocent. (at will)

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